Invictus

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. William Ernest Henley I am finally watching the movie Invictus.  It is long overdue, but I rarely get opportunity for movies.  This movie was worth watching just to see this poem. I wish I had heard it earlier in life, although this has been my mantra without ever having heard it.  Words are powerful, and I have been influenced by other words that have gotten me through difficult times.   I am no Nelson Mandela, nor do I compare my life to his, but we each have our struggles, and words can lift us, or drown us.  Wherever we find them, how they touch us, may be different for everyone, but we are all influenced in some way by the words we hear. I hope you find words that can lift you.  Words to live by.

Vision

Imagine
Freedom
Learn
Wealth
See
Enjoy
Respect
Story
Feel
Do
Create

Food Allergies

In July, I did a cleanse.  It was a three-week program based on the book Clean by Dr. Alejandro Junger.

It's a gentle cleanse, which is why it was three weeks instead of one.  It is designed to eliminate all allergen possible foods, and simplify the diet to give the body time to detox while still providing enough nutrients and sustenance to operate on a daily basis without feeling completely depleted.

I've tried other cleansing diets in the past, most with the intention of losing weight more than detox.  This was the first time I just wanted to feel good for a while.

It was enlightening.  Some of the other diets I've tried have shown me that I do have sensitivity to certain foods.  This one completely eliminated them all, and allowed me time to experience what my body feels and looks like when it is isn't reacting.

My problem is that there are some foods I have a stronger reaction to than others, and some that I can't really identify.  Most of the reactions are mild, generally bloating, mild discomfort, or gas.  Some come with a more intense pain, along with those other symptoms.

And that's the thing.  What the difference between an allergy and being sensitive or having reactions?  Is it just a milder allergy?  Or is it something less?  "Allergy" seems to be a wildly overused term.

The one thing I have identified for sure is that I am sensitive to gluten.  Gluten can cause intense pain now that I've been avoiding it for a while.  It can feel like I've eaten ground glass in some cases.  And I feel that pain through the entire passage through my body.

Sweets give me migraines, but since I don't have much of a sweet tooth, that is much easier to avoid.

I also seem to be sensitive to dairy.  At least, I get bloating, gas, mild discomfort from it.  I thought for a minute that I might be able to substitute goat's milk or sheep's milk cheese for the real thing, but I think that might not agree with me either.  There are some very tasty goat and sheep's milk alternatives.  And they are plentiful in my area.  I'll have to try this experiment again and see if the reaction is to one or the other or both.

And therein lies my problem.  If I eat "clean" for a few days, I feel amazing.  By clean, I mean fish or poultry, veggies, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, fruit.  That's about the extent of it.  Then I add in something and see if I get a reaction.  If I do, it is almost immediate, so it's easy to tell.  The problem is it then takes at least two days of eating clean to get it out of my system and back to feeling right.  Therefore, the process of finding out these foods is tedious and long.

Besides the fact that I sometimes just eat whatever because I want to (like today).  Or when I am trying to eat well, and don't pay attention to ingredients.  This happens most often when eating out.  I order sautéed fish or chicken, and although it's described as not being "breaded" they do still coat it with flour before sautéing.  Those kinds of things slip me up.

I find it easier to eat well when I'm home and surrounded by good foods.  It is harder when out.   I love to eat.  I will gladly choose a healthier option when given the choice, but it gets tricky when everything on the menu has something in it that I know is going to bother me.  I'm much more inclined to just forget it and eat whatever.

I'm still in the learning process, and it is getting easier to recognize with practice, but this is difficult!  

An assignment to write my eulogy...

Dear Friends, I want to tell you how I lived an extraordinary life, and became a person that could hold her head high.

You see, my story didn’t start strong, although I did have advantages.  I was born into a large family with an abusive parent.  Although she used whatever methods she could, her strongest was her wit.  She left no opportunity to cut and demoralize untouched.

However, I had her same wit, and decided early that I wouldn’t let her words touch me.  Yes, it was a journey, but anything worth doing is a process that takes time.

I learned, over time, to listen to my own inner voice to decide what was truth.

With age came conviction, and values, and even a little wisdom.  I wasted a lot of time in depression, but with each recovery I was stronger.

I have learned that I am strong, and that strength is not common.  I have learned to lend my strength to protect and nurture those I love in whatever ways necessary.

I have learned that loyalty and friendship was a skill that must be learned.  These were traits that were important to me, and I can say with conviction that I am a loyal friend, loyal to a fault at times.  Those that I love can count on me for anything.  I would gladly risk my very self for the ones that have earned my loyalty.

I have learned that love is a decision.  Emotions come and go, and are as fleeting as the breeze.  But once a decision is made it can withstand a hurricane if conviction lies behind the decision.

I have learned that decisions are hard, but that I can make sound decisions with knowledge, information, and logic.  If my information is faulty when the decision was made, then I cannot regret the decision because it was made with the best information I had at the time.  In this way I can stand strong in my decisions, but be flexible enough to change them, if new information convinces me otherwise.

I have learned that all that I have is my word, and to treat it as an unbreakable bond.  If my word cannot be trusted, I have nothing.

I have learned that money is power, and with money come options.  Money in and of itself is merely a tool and not inherently evil.  The choices made in the pursuit of money and power may be evil, however, the pursuit itself is not.  I have learned that I do have a line I am not willing to cross, and I have learned that I am content with my ambition.

I have learned that I can get by with nothing, but I prefer not to.

I have learned that I am happiest when I feel worthwhile, and that I feel worthwhile when I am using my skills and my brain to their fullest capacity.

I have learned that I do not want to go through life carefully, saving up for later.  I would rather come to the end of my life fully used up and without regret.  I have learned that living for the future or dwelling in the past means only that I’m missing the present, and the present is all I really have.

I have tried everything at least once.  I have loved and lost.  I have friends that would do more for me than I could ever ask, and more of them than I ever thought possible for someone like me.  I have lived honestly and without regret. 

I have achieved more than I thought possible and less than I could have, which only serves to keep me striving and to not fall into complacency.

I have nothing outwardly to show for my life, but I have grown into a strong, ambitious, confident woman who can enjoy the moment.  

I am proud of my strength.  I am proud of my honesty, although it is not always perfect.  I am proud of my self-sufficiency, although I am learning to allow help when it is needed.  I am proud of the ambition that keeps me pushing myself to learn new skills and find ways to use them.  I am proud of the fact that I would willingly lay down my life for a friend, and thus I have learned love.

Recovering Malcontent

I visited my poor lonely blog tonight, considered writing about my trip to New York, and ended up reading the caption under the title.

"My blog started as a means to vent about all the things that annoy me, or about which I was "malcontent".  However, sometime during the process, I decided that I would be better served by taking a more positive outlook, and looking for ways I could make change to create positive results.  Thus, I am in recovery."


I guess the recovery worked, and I find myself content.  Unfortunately, content means fewer circumstances that rile me, and thus fewer rants, which leads to less writing.  So much for blogging.

I could turn my blog into a journal, but I was never fond of journalling.   There is too much pressure in it.  I know that a journal, faithfully kept, gives a clarifying depiction of events when reviewed through the lens of time.  However, the commitment of time required to actively journal makes me tired before I even begin.

I do try to write about notable events.  And my trip to New York does bear chronicling.  Hopefully I'll get to it soon, before I forget all of the details.  It was a wonderfully fabulous trip, that was a gift from my husband for my 40th birthday.  It was definitely a birthday to remember.

It would be cool to write about my transition to healthy eating.  It has been a long journey, and I haven't yet reached my goal, but it is shocking to see how far I've come.  I never thought I'd ever be anything but a meat & potatoes kind of eater.  It's crazy what a little education will do for a person.

I can't quite say goodbye to my blog, although it is looking a little lonely.   I will come back to it....when the time is right.  Wait for me.

Parenting

I've had a few conversations lately with some of my single mom friends about parenting.  It can be a lonely, hard, and thankless job being a mom.  And yes, I know there are plenty of dads who will think I'm being biased, but unless you're a single dad, with 100% custody, it is unlikely that you are bearing the brunt of schedules, appointments, school activities, discipline, chores, homework, nutrition, medications, laundry, and all the little things that make the day flow.

Granted, I'm not that great at most of that either.  I have a network of family and friends that remind me of activities he should do, and an alarm on my phone that tells me when to pick him up from school because otherwise I'd forget.  I have a son that's been doing his own laundry since he was tall enough to reach into the washing machine, as well as getting up and making his own breakfast since he was tall enough to reach up to the counter.

I also have a husband who agrees with me on how and when to discipline and what behaviors require discipline.  He will also show up to school things when I tell him about them, and takes on his share of the transporting, work permitting.

With that said, the bulk of the parenting inevitably falls on the mom.

For me, that means always being the bad guy.  While working full time, it also means I don't have much time to do any of the fun stuff.

My son regularly tells me (and anyone else that will listen) that I yell at him all the time, or he complains about how he never gets to do anything, or how I'm always making him do things he doesn't want to do.  I get the "I hate you" comments, and "you're mean," and all the other usual comments little boys say when they are angry.  I'm ok with that.

I listen to people telling me I'm too hard on him, or that I expect too much and he's just a kid, or that I'm a terrible parent because I don't hover over him every moment of the day.  I sometimes even feel guilty that I don't hang out with him and do all the fun things he'd love to do.

But mostly I'm ok with how things are.  He's a lucky boy to have two parents, a huge house in a great neighborhood, parents that can afford to put him on a swim team (even if it is a rec league), Taekwondo, as well as tennis and piano lessons after school.  He has parents that care enough to put him in a school that suits him, rather than the much easier option of the school on the corner.  And every now and then, I take him on vacations that he enjoys immensely.  He has grandparents and aunts and uncles that spoil him and love him and do the "fun stuff" with him.

I'm ok with being the bad guy, because I know that I'm doing the right thing for him.  I expect a lot from him, but only by the standards of today's parents that seem to expect nothing.  I expect him to be polite, respectful, responsible, and capable.  Kids apparently don't come that way; they need to be taught.  I'm perfectly ok with being the one responsible for teaching him because I signed up for that when I agreed to have a child.

I can take him on vacation with other people and not be embarrassed by his behavior.  I can let him go over to another person's house and not be afraid of what he will do, or how he will act.  I'm not saying he's a perfect child all the time, but he's acting eight, which is completely appropriate.  Overall, he's a good kid.

And I tell him so.  This weekend we went to Santa Cruz, and while digging in the sand yesterday morning, I told him again.  He's a good kid and he's fun to be around.  And he replied, "I wouldn't be without you."  I smiled, and said it was nice of him to say so, and he insisted, "No, really."

I'm ok being the bad guy; my son respects me and thanks me for it.  :-)

What might have been...

I just got back from a week-long road trip through Utah.  I know..  Utah?  But apparently they have quite a collection of astounding National Parks, and I took my son to see them over spring break.

It was very fun.  My sister and her husband were with us, and they borrowed a trailer we could all share, and we hit the road.  It was my first time camping since I was a kid, and I was excited to show my son, now that he's old enough to appreciate it, some of the beauty of this country.  I also was looking forward to getting him outside for extended lengths of time.

We live in the suburbs, which means the houses on our street are lined up like boxes on a shelf, with tiny backyards, and postage stamp sized lawns.  There is nothing for him to do outside, except ride his bike on the street.  I really wanted him to see what a pleasure it is to be outdoors.

We drove for a 15-16 hours to get to Zion National Park, in south-western Utah.  We set up the trailer, made dinner, and went to bed.  He discovered a playground and a bunch of kids in this campground, so he was out and playing the whole time.  The next morning, while we were getting ready to head into the park was the same.  We jumped on the incredibly awesome shuttle system to go into the park, and then hiked 3 trails, a total of around 10 miles, which took all day!  When we got back to the campground, he still had energy to go out and run around the campground with the kids, while I prepared dinner!

The next morning we got up, closed up camp, and drove to Bryce National Park.  This was a relatively short drive, and we had time to stop on the way at Escalante State Park and check out the largest collection of petrified wood that I've ever seen.  This only required a hike of almost 2 miles!  My son, who is an avid rock collector, was quite taken with the myriad of "rocks" with so many beautiful colors.  He was disappointed not to be able to bring any home.

Bryce was as impressive, although much smaller and higher in elevation, as Zion.  It was over 9100 feet at the topmost viewing area, and still had quite a bit of snow on the ground.  The park was set up to be able to see most of what the park offered from viewing spots along the road, and we did all of that on the first day, planning to hike the following morning.  Only one trail was open, due to snow and mud, and that took barely any time.  We spent some time in the visitor's center, and then drove to the next.

Capital Reef was an equally small park, with one long hike through towering rocks which was a wash for flash flooding during the rains, and a shorter hike to see some petroglyphs.  This was easily done in a day, and we drove on to the final camping grounds near Arches National Park.

Arches was just that.  A myriad of interesting arches carved out of the sandstone in various shapes and sizes.  We hiked for 5 miles here, but got to see all of the famous arches that this park boasted.

We had originally planned another day in this area to see Canyonlands National Park, but work schedules and a week-long Jeep convention in Moab restricted our ability to stay another night.   We could have seen some of it after Arches, since we had seen all we could by mid-afternoon, but I was gritty from sandstorms, tired, and desperately wanted a shower.  We ended up visiting Moab, then heading back for dinner and showers.

The next morning we broke camp again to drive across the state of Utah.  We had basically gone diagonally from the bottom left, to the top right (under the L) of the state, so now needed to drive the entire length to get back to Nevada and our final stop.

We arrived at Great Basin National Park, just past the state line in Nevada, mid-afternoon... just in time to set up the trailer and head down for the cave tour being offered at 3:30.  This is what the park is known for, apparently, and the only thing open due to snow.  The caves were quite impressive, and unlike any others that I've visited.  This was my son's first cave experience, and he loved it as much as I did.

This was definitely the most primitive of the campsites we had visited.  There were no hook-ups, so we had no water, except what was in our tanks, or electricity.  There was no free wi-fi and no cell service!  This was definitely as out of touch as you could possibly get.  It was very weird, and I was glad to be leaving in the morning!

But next morning, we woke up to almost 3" of snow on the trailer, and still falling!  It was beautiful for sure, and luckily I had expected rain at some point in our trip, so had all of my rain gear to keep me dry, but I was definitely interested in getting out there and clearing off the snow so we could get off the mountain before we got snowed in.

Getting the snow off involved climbing up a picnic table that we turned on it's side longwise so I could climb onto the top of the trailer in order to sweep the snow off of the pull-out so we could retract it.  I was very thankful for the gore-tex rain pants!  We got the snow off and the trailer hooked up without incident and were on the road by 9am.  Thankfully, the snow was only at the higher elevations and the roads were clear.

We drove all the way across Nevada on Highway 50.  What a long, desolate road!  We got into Reno around 5 pm, with plenty of time to stop for dinner and shop in Cabela's for all the outdoor wear we could possibly never need. 

Passing through Reno was very nostalgic for me.  It has changed a lot in the almost 20 years since I left it.  I lived there for a year when I moved there with the company I worked for out of high school.  I couldn't help but wonder what my life would be like had I stayed there and hadn't been in such a hurry to get back to California.

Granted, I hated it there.  Reno was a definite pit, and we spent every weekend in California with family.  But I had a really good job, that I enjoyed and where I was respected.  I wonder where I could have gone with my career had I stayed.  The University of Reno is a very good school, and I went there for a semester during my short stint in Nevada.

I'm not usually given to what if's... and I would definitely have been miserable for a long time.  But I wonder if I would have had more success in my career if I had stayed with that company.  You never can tell, but it's hard not to wonder.

Mortgage Crisis

The mortgage crisis has been going on for some time now, and it seems to be getting easier and easier for those inconvenienced by a mortgage payment to get out of it.  I've watched the value of my home plummet, while heaving a sigh of relief that at least we're not upside down.  Most of that is because I've been throwing every spare dime at the loan in order to keep it in the black.

Only now I realize that that very attitude has screwed me.

Did you know that the powers that be have changed the rules so that a short-sale only stays on your credit report for 2 years?  A foreclosure for 5?  Did you know that if you are 30 days late on a payment of any kind, it will stay on your credit report for 7 years, but if you walk away from the largest debt you could possibly have, then that's washed away as if it never happened in 2-5 years?  Really??  What is wrong with this country?

And why am I still making my mortgage payments?  I've been trying to get a better interest rate on my loan for over a year.  I bought my house before the rules changed to make it easier for people to get loans they couldn't afford.  As a result, my interest rate is much higher than it should be.

The government is kindly dropping the interest rates on mortgages for people who can't pay their mortgages, or who simply bought more than they could afford.  They are even cutting the amount that is owed considerably to make it less onerous for people to pay what they agreed to pay when they bought their homes.

But I can't get my loan refinanced because I'm not upside down, but I owe more than 95% of the current value.  My loan is a conventional loan that was not financed by the government, and therefore cannot be easily changed.  And to top it off, I've been making my payments on time, and therefore the banks have no interest in cutting or reducing their profit from someone who is obviously dumb enough to keep giving them money.

I find it equally disturbing that we live in a society that seems to be more than willing to support a government that exists only to prop up big business and the rich people, and reward a lazy, unethical, illiterate population with handouts at the expense of the steady, honorable, responsible citizenry.

I guess that's fine if you fall into either category getting the government bailouts.  And it seems that the responsible citizenry seems to be shrinking in number so as to make their voices immaterial anyway.  It doesn't help that they still cling to a code of honor that assumes that justice will prevail and "those" will get what they deserve in the long run.

It sickens me that in order to get the banks to do the right thing, I have to consider NOT making my payments.  How is that at all reasonable?  I know that there's a hell of a lot that I could do with a year's worth of mortgage payments if I were willing to walk away from this house.

New Year

It's the start of a new year.  I've never really marked New Year's as a new beginning until recently.  Now it seems like an easy enough date to measure goals by.

Last year I set some financial goals for myself.  I'd have to go back and look at the post to see what other goals I'd set for 2010.  I know I did do fairly well with my finances, and would have done better except for a setback from another stupid decision I made a few years back trying to help out a family member.

I took on a couple of side jobs at the end of last year which will hopefully help me towards my goal of buying a rental property.  I've wanted to do this for over a decade, but somehow the money for a down payment has not fallen out of the sky for me.  So I've done something about it and am actually setting aside the money from my side jobs for this purpose.  Hopefully I can reach this goal by the end of next year.  Hopefully the real estate market won't have rebounded so much as to make it out of reach!

My own business seems to be faltering.  I have lost almost every kid I've added this year, which is NOT good for business!  I am laying off my assistant next month, which may be a blessing in disguise.  Her work ethic has really fallen since she had her baby, and it's been difficult having to supervise at all times to make sure she is doing her job.

I've also decided not to have her work just because I know she needs the income when I don't actually need to have her here.  It costs me too much, without the income to support it, to fund her family.  The Bank of Reina is closed!

My side jobs have also kept me pretty busy since November.  Things are lightening up a little but I have my own year-end tax stuff yet to do, as well as the year-end tax filing for my husband's new side business.  That one should be easy as he and his business partner just started the business late last year and there hasn't been much activity.  My own will take a while.  It generally takes me two weeks of straight work to get everything together and recorded.  Usually I'm done by now, but I haven't even started!  I did get my filing up to date yesterday, which means at least all my receipts are together.

I do enjoy being busy, it seems.  And since finishing school in the middle of last year, it's only natural to have added a few jobs to fill in the time!

I need to spend some time this year on getting my website updated as well as the resource website presentable.  It's disappointing that every time I actually hire someone to do something for me, it rarely turns out well.  I need to give it some time and effort to make it match my vision.

We shall see.  This year is shaping up to be just as full as last year!  We'll see how I do.

Speeding Ticket

I got another speeding ticket today.  This is my third in two years.  I guess my luck has run out.  I don't know how I went for 20 years without one, and now I get three in such a short time.  My insurance carrier is going to have a conniption.  Or maybe that will just be me when I get the next insurance bill.

How is it that I never get off once I've been pulled over?  What do these people do that get off with a warning?  I obviously need lessons.

I guess it's time for me to slow down and drive like an old lady.  It sure is going to take the fun out of driving!

Christmas Sadness

It's the seventh of December, and for the first time this year I listened to Christmas music in my car.  It was an accident.  I was switching through channels and landed on one that was all Christmas.  There once was a time when I could barely wait for Thanksgiving to be over so I could start playing my Christmas music.  I loved Christmas music.

Every year Christmas gets harder and harder.  I just don't have the energy to be jolly.  Just thinking of the work involved in decorating, and then taking down the decorations, makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there until spring.

But I feel bad for my son.  I know I am shortchanging him yet again.  This year, he decorated the tree and the house, pretty much on his own.  I put on Christmas music for him while he did the work, because he asked for it.  My husband and I put the lights on the house because that seemed important to him, and I denied him that last year.

My husband's interest in Christmas seems to be limited to the giving and receiving of gifts, so it doesn't seem worth my time and energy to get excited about the season.  I know I should for my son.  I know I should...

Every year the joy of Christmas dims just a little more.  After last year, I hoped to avoid it altogether this year by booking a trip to Disneyland for Christmas.  If I can't get excited about Christmas in Disneyland, I really am hopeless.

Hearing the music today, I felt so sad for my son.  He definitely deserves better.

The Lovely Bones

There is a scene in The Lovely Bones (the book, I didn't see the movie) where the dead girl watches her mother make out with the homicide detective assigned to her case.  The dead girl had been the oldest and was 12 when she was murdered.  Watching her mother she realizes something that she had vaguely felt when she was living; that being a mother was a mask her mother put on when the first child woke up in the morning.

She knew her mother had been keeping time until the kids where grown and she could start her own life.  When her mother unexpectedly got pregnant again when the girls were half grown, it was like getting punched in the stomach.  She watched her mother deflate, and resign herself to THIS life.

About a year after her daughter's murder, tired of being the "dead girl's" mother, she ran away and started a new life, an anonymous life, somewhere else where she only had to take care of herself.  Where she was just Ruth, and not Carl's wife, or Laura's mother.  (All those names are made up because I can't remember the names in the book!)

I know there are plenty of people who would condemn her for that.  Who would think it was utterly selfish and she had no right to leave her family like that.

But I wonder how many women have watched their lives slip away like water while they are being a mother because it was expected of them.  It was just what you do because you're a woman, and your life can't be complete without it.  I wonder how many women wish they could run away, but are duty-bound to be the mom, the wife, the caretaker.  I wonder how many women strain against the routine of getting them up, getting them dressed, making their breakfast, making their lunch, getting them to school, cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, picking them up from school, making their snack, helping with homework, making dinner, getting them bathed, reading the bedtime story, putting them to bed, cleaning up from dinner, falling into bed.  Rinse and repeat.  Who dare not complain, or speak her dreams aloud for fear of being thought of as a bad mom, or ungrateful.

Granted, this book was set 40 years ago, and there are hopefully fewer instances now.  Although for some, I'm sure there is most of that squeezed around a full-time job.

And yes, I know there are many women who are fulfilled by motherhood, that WOULDN'T be complete without that experience. Who have waited all their lives for that moment of giving birth to that helpless little being who depends completely on her and is hers to shape and love.  Those women have the special gift of sacrifice that comes with devoting their life to the nurturing of little ones.  These are special and necessary, and god bless them.

I'm not talking about them.

I'm just wondering how prevalent the feeling is.  I was surprised to see it in the book.  I was surprised that anyone would admit those feelings exist, even in a fiction novel.

Mother

I quit my mother a long time ago.  I was already an adult, so it wasn't anything traumatic.  Although, had I been able to as a child, I would have.

I quit her because I didn't like the person she was.  She was manipulative, mean, deceptive, and a hypocrite.  Instead of taking responsibility for her life and the choices she made, she cried about it and blamed everyone else for the way her life turned out.

I know that hypocrisy seems to be an acceptable evil, but it isn't for me.  I can't think of anything more infuriating and appalling than witnessing a person that acts completely contrary to their nature when in public.  The constant lie gets old.  Maybe that's where my intolerance of lies comes from.  Who knows.

I quit her because I have no need of people like that in my life.

It's been 21 years since I've spoken to my mother.  I don't miss her at all.  I miss having a mother, but I don't miss the one I was given.  Many times I've hoped and wished for parents that I could inherit as an adult that would fill that role for me.  I came close in my last relationship.

However, it seems that now I am faced with the same situation again.  I am having difficulty with alienating this person completely, for fear of hurting my family, but I can't lie, and I can't justify making an exception for this person that I would never make for my own mother.

They are the same in many ways, and I am having difficulty accepting that.  When I quit my mother I thought I was done dealing with dishonesty.  I can only hope I make the right choice for my son.  He is the only reason I am struggling with this at all.

Summer Camp

Yesterday we picked our son up from summer camp.

I'd been thinking about sending him to summer camp since last summer.  This winter, I finally did the research to find one, and found two that I really liked.  The first was north of us, near Redding, and had a minimum stay of 2 weeks.  With a minimum age of eight.  He would turn 8 at the beginning of the summer, so technically he would qualify, but I wondered if two weeks would be too long.

I talked to him about it, and asked if he'd be interested in going to camp, explaining the kinds of things that he would do there.  He was excited about the idea.  I asked him if he could handle two weeks, and he thought he could.  However, when I presented the idea to my husband, he was definitely not ok with a two week stay at this age!  So I went back to the internet and found the second camp that I liked.

This one was much closer (up near Lake Tahoe), and had one-week sessions.  We ordered the dvd, and I checked out the website.  My son was super excited.  I told him he would have to forego his birthday party (every other year I allow him to have a party in a rented facility, but that can be expensive), and ask his family members to please contribute to the cost of camp rather than giving him any gifts.  All very large sacrifices, I thought, for a 7-year-old to consider.

He happily agreed, but I wondered if it would last when his birthday actually came around.  His birthday is the beginning of July, and camp wasn't until the second week of August, so I was worried that when the actual birthdate came around, he'd forget the deal and want gifts too.

I told him that he could invite friends over to swim with him to celebrate his birthday, and he was completely satisfied with that.  I was careful NOT to call it a pool party, just inviting his friends informally, without written invitations, explaining to the guests that it was an informal get-together, and that he wasn't actually having a party because he chose to use that money for camp.

He had a great time, was grateful for the gifts that he got from his friends, and didn't regret his decision at all.  I was very proud of him.

Finally, camp week approached.  We needed to drop him off Sunday afternoon, and by Friday he was starting to get nervous.  I'm not sure how much of that was from reading his dad's nervousness, though.

We drove in and parked, and between the car and the registration table, his dad asked him if he was nervous at least a couple times!  We got him checked in, met his counselor, and checked out his cabin.  He selected a bunk, made the bed, and found a spot for his suitcase.  Then we went out to check out the cool things they had near the cabin; basketball court, ping-pong tables, foosball tables, etc.

He met his bunkmate, and started off with him to explore, so we said our goodbyes and left.

All the drive home my husband was worried about him.  Which started me wondering if he was going to be ok.  Even though I know he's incredibly capable of making friends and having fun in the moment, I was worried about him getting scared.  I didn't let him take his security blanket with him.  I didn't want him to be laughed at by the other kids.

I didn't hear anything from them all week, so I hoped he was having a good time.  We picked him up yesterday morning, and he was grinning and filthy!  Both good signs!  His first words were "I want to come back next year!"

He apparently made a good impression on the counselors, because a couple of counselors at the checkout table had nothing but great things to say about him.  We got him to describe some of the things he got to do, even though he's never been great at retelling his experiences.

The only downer was that I didn't trust him with the knowledge that I had left money for him at the camp store.  I instructed his counselor to let him know if there was anything he needed he could get it, but I didn't want him to think it was a free-for-all at the store.  In hindsight, I'm surprised at myself.  I've always trusted him fully with his choices, and let the natural consequences speak for themselves if he chose badly.  I don't know why I withheld that information from him.  His counselor failed to let him know, and as a consequence, he didn't know he could buy new batteries for his flashlight.  He had a few bad nights of being scared of the dark (after he kindly gave his replacement batteries to another boy who needed them).  The realization that it could have been different brought him instantly to tears, and it took a while to calm him down.

However, he's already talking about next time, so I guess he had a great time!  In true Avery fashion, he is already considering whether he wants to forego another birthday party to go to camp, or wait an extra year so he can have the Chuck-E-Cheese party he's been thinking about all year!  I guess I'm doing something right!

Exercise

Last summer I wrote about the personal trainer friend I had that came and worked with me 2-3 times per week.  I think I was pretty optimistic about losing weight, getting in shape, and feeling good.

I have to admit that in hindsight, he was pretty successful.  I could see a difference in my muscle tone, although not a lot of difference on the scale or in my fat content.  Overall, I felt better.  Although every day he was scheduled to come I would try to find an excuse to cancel.  I never did get used to it, nor did I ever get to a point where I enjoyed it, although I've heard that that utopia exists for some.

This winter I've gained even more weight.  My obsession with what I can and can't eat seems to be a contributing factor, but it is also a function of depression and lack of focus.

I've been doing the tae kwon do for a year now (can you believe it's been that long!), and although I've noticed muscles moving around, it doesn't seem to have helped with weight loss.  I don't think I've given it the amount of force and time to really work.

So I signed up for an exercise boot camp for the month of July.  I'm scared to death, but I'm determined to do whatever I need to to lose these extra pounds.  I want to feel good, have more energy, and be less depressed.  I know exercise is a key to all of those, so I'm going to see how it goes.  I know it's going to kick my ass, and I don't intend to let go of the tae kwon do, either.  I'm not sure how I'm going to manage it all, but hopefully by the end of July I will look and feel amazing!  We'll see!

The Tooth Fairy

My son lost his fifth tooth on Sunday.  He's almost eight, so he got a late start with losing teeth, but for all of that, he has sure given the tooth fairy the run around.

The first tooth he lost by punching himself in the mouth at Tae Kwon Do, and swallowed it.  His grandma helped him write a note to the tooth fairy explaining why his tooth wasn't actually under his pillow.

The second he lost easily enough, but then wanted to take it to school for show and tell, so after placing it in a baggie, misplacing it for some days, finding it, misplacing it again, finding it, then taking it to school, it finally found it's way under his pillow weeks later.

The third he lost, as in, it fell out but he couldn't find it.  I don't know that he even noticed it coming out.  He works hard at avoiding any pain or unpleasantness, so he has a habit of waiting until the tooth falls out completely on its own.  He didn't even bother with the tooth fairy.  I don't think he remembered.

The fourth came out, and was immediately put under the pillow.

This one...  it had been a long time since his last tooth.  It was loose for months.  I think he finally got tired of working around it when he ate, so he finally pulled it out on Sunday night.  He very excitedly put it under his pillow.

However, the tooth fairy was a little out of practice, and completely forgot to stop by.  Neither did she realize it until he made a comment the next day about her not having come.  Oops.

The following night... same story.  After the second night, he was pretty confused and disappointed that she hadn't come.  But ever the optimist, on the third night he said "I hope she comes tonight!"  Just to make sure I didn't forget this time, I slipped it out from under his pillow while singing him to sleep.  While I was waiting to make sure he was fully asleep before slipping it back in, he walked out of his room "looking for his flashlight."  I asked him why.  He needed it to look under his pillow!  He was sure he'd put the tooth there...

As smoothly as possible, I palmed the tooth pillow and pretended to search under his bed.  I placed it in a slightly hidden place, and asked him to turn on the light.  He then joined me and "found" it.  I told him to put it back under his pillow and go to bed.

Within a minute he came back out.  Apparently, she'd already come and there was extra money inside!  He showed me that there was an extra $.50, along with a note from the tooth fairy that said "Because I was late, + .50."

After a minute's hesitation, he asked if he could write her a note.  Sure.  He asked me to write it for him.  He wanted to say, "it's ok.  You can keep it."  He didn't want her to feel bad about being late on the delivery!  He put the extra .50 back in with the note, and then prayed to God to send her back.  He explained to me that she wouldn't know to come back, because there was no tooth, but he hoped God could get the message to her.

I think it might take a few days for her to get the message...

Food

I've been exploring the idea of understanding my body and what makes it feel badly.  Last year I paid a lot of money to go to a holistic naturopath.  First he did a preliminary body test to check sensitivities, weight, fat %, etc.  Then he sent me home with a hormone saliva test, and a strict diet of fruits, vegetables, and nuts, along with a cleansing drink to use three times per day.

Prior to this, my diet consisted of proteins (mostly meat), grains (mostly breads), potatoes, and some fruit.  Oh..  and Diet Pepsi.  That's it.  The diet part was going to be rough.  None of those things (except maybe some potatoes and some fruit), no soda, no milk, juice, or any other palatable drink.  Strictly water, and this nasty cleansing drink.

But, like I said, I had paid a lot of money, so for 3 months, I did as instructed.  I felt completely weak and without energy after 6 weeks, so I added eggs and a small amount of meat to the diet as a source of protein.

I felt really good.  I don't think I noticed it right off the bat, but eventually I did.  Especially after I completed the 3 months and decided that as healthy as that probably was for my body, I could not live like that long-term.  So, I started adding things in, one at a time.

I realized almost immediately that sugar was the source of my migraines.  It wasn't until I had a chocolate chip cookie, and had a migraine within 5 minutes that I realized that I hadn't had a single migraine the whole time I had been on the diet.  Prior to that, I had been getting them pretty regularly, at least 3-4 times per week.

I did the same thing for other foods, little by little.  I realized I am probably lactose intolerant, because milk gives me terrible gas.  I think I'm also gluten intolerant because any amount of bread makes me feel bloated, and gives me abdominal pain.

I haven't done any actual tests, although I have found a website that will test for all of those things, along with some others.  I think I eventually will, when I can justify the cost.  However, even still, knowing what I know, I try to avoid those food types.

But...  no dairy, no sugar, no gluten??  What else is there?  What am I supposed to eat!?!

And with that, I find it very hard to stick with it.  How does one go forever without eating a cheeseburger?  And let me tell you, a cheeseburger isn't a cheeseburger without the bun!  And besides that, now that I'm constantly thinking of food, what I can and cannot eat, I can't stop eating.  Even if it isn't something I shouldn't be eating, the fact that I'm eating constantly is making me gain weight at a considerable rate.  None of my clothes fit.

So I have to figure out how to come to terms with this, and come up with food choices that I LIKE, or just accept the fact that I will always feel yucky.  Before going on the diet I didn't realize there was any other way to feel, so maybe it's not so bad!

To Be Fulfilled

"I am fulfilled by my own life on an hourly basis."

That was a quote by Julia Roberts in a magazine article.

I'm not much of a follower of the life and times of movie stars.  Honestly, I could care less about movie stars, or musicians, or any other "famous" people.  I can't fathom spending the time to follow someone else's life when it's hard enough to keep up with my own.

Well, I take that back.  I love to follow the lives of friends and family, and some of the other people whose blogs I read, or try to read, when I have time.  I do love seeing what life is like for other "regular" people.

But the quote struck me.  That is my goal.  To be fulfilled by my own life, every hour of every day.  To find the employment opportunity that will perfectly suit my skills and preferences, that will take advantage of the winding path of education and experience I've traveled, and bring it all together into a useful whole.  Is it possible?  I will continue to search until I have found it.  Even if only for a short time, I want to know what it is I was designed to do, and know the joy of doing that.

I know work isn't everything.  However, since it fills over 50% of my waking minutes (and sometimes feels like a whole lot more), I think satisfaction in my job does influence overall satisfaction with life.

I am not complaining about my life (although it sounds like it most of the time).  I am surrounded by friends and family who love me and care about my well-being enough to listen to me whine.  I have a beautiful home in a beautiful country, state, city, climate.  We are both employed, which is a blessing all by itself.

Life has a way of forcing a person down paths they may not have chosen for themselves.  Family, economics, opportunity, politics, all play a part in the life you live.  Some few have a passion that is always burning, reorienting them toward the dream that will fulfill their desires.  Some find it an easy path to follow, others overcome incredible odds to achieve their goal and live their dream.

Others, like me, have a yearning for fulfillment that doesn't come with a passion, that doesn't have a clear direction. We have a need to be useful, to make the most of the talents or skills we possess, but without the specific interest that points us to our field.  We follow the opportunities we see, hoping to recognize the right one when we see it.

Still others will do whatever needs doing to get by.  They are happy in whatever job they hold as long as it is honest work, and can support their family.  These are happy staying in the same job for 20+ years, sometimes working their way up the ladder within the company, until they can retire and enjoy the fruits of their relentless labor.

All of these are important.  All serve a purpose.  All can be fulfilling.  I just need to find the right door for me to push through.  I am confident that given enough time, I will.  One day, one of my life experiments will be the right one!

Graduation Party!

I had such a great weekend.

Friday evening was my graduation.  I know many people don't actually participate in the ceremony because it doesn't mean anything, the actual degree is the paper that says you completed all the coursework.  But for me, the ceremony IS the defining moment.  It's like a wedding.  You can get married without that, it is the piece of paper that says you're married, but it's the wedding that you remember as the starting point.  No matter how long you were together before that date.

Walking across that stage (or in this case, in front of it) in front of all those people, says "I did it" in my mind.  It was the ultimate achievement.  All that work, all that writing, was just so I could stand in front of the crowd and get that funky thing draped over my neck and down my back.

It meant a lot to me that my sister, her husband, my husband and son, were there to see that happen.  Graduations are boring, but walking in that line, I couldn't stop grinning!  I still can't when I think about it.  It feels good to have finished, even though I have no idea what, if anything, the degree will do for me.

Saturday I had a party to celebrate with all my friends and family.  It was a lot of work to get ready for, and after the garbage disposal thing, I was ready to cancel the whole thing.  My husband talked me out of it, and when a couple of my friends found out about my frustration, they stepped in to help make it happen.  I am so grateful, and the party was a success.  It wouldn't have happened without them.

My husband is good at making me define what needs to be done in writing, then he can help with the items on the list.  My sister came and helped with the shopping, my husband and a friend were there early to clean, and another couple of friends came early to cook.  There is no way it would have all gotten done on my own!  Thank you!!

I was also overwhelmed by the number of people who showed up.  Almost my entire bible study group showed up, even though they all have busy lives and huge families.  All of my long-time clients came, even some who are no longer clients but are still friends, to celebrate with me.  My sister and her husband and mother-in-law.  My husband's family.  Even Jill and Pam, who live an hour and a half away.  I am truly blessed to have so many people that care about me.  Thank you all!!

Garbage Disposal Fiasco

My garbage disposal went out in my main kitchen sink on Monday (did I mention it was a bad day!), and I've been working to replace it.  We had purchased a garbage disposal a while ago for the other sink that had turned out to be too big, so instead of taking it back, we just got a smaller one for that sink and held on to this one, so theoretically, all I needed to do was swap them out.  I started on it Wednesday morning.

Taking the old one out was a challenge.  The directions for removing the disposal were impossible to follow because the builders had installed it in such a way as to make that difficult.  After much frustration, and more than a few think breaks, I finally disassembled the piping all around it, and then jiggled it and yanked on it until it came loose. Whatever works, right?

I got the new sink pieces all put in, and ready to connect to the disposal, but the new disposal was heavy.  Extremely heavy.  So holding it up while trying to cinch the ring on top that holds it up was impossible to do on my own.  I enlisted the help of two 7-year-olds, and stacks of cookbooks to rest it on, but still no luck.  I finally coaxed a visiting friend Wednesday night to hold it for me so I could get it on.  Success!

However, the new disposal was just a bit too wide to use the existing pipe setup.  Which meant that I needed to redesign the plumbing setup to accommodate the new disposal.  That had to wait until yesterday.  A not-so-quick trip to the hardware store to purchase pipes, and I came home with a few that would work.  I had to call home and ask my assistant to text me pictures from under the sink so I could visualize how it was all supposed to go together.  One of the new pipes was an adjustable -- cut to size.  Perfect.

However, apparently NOT with pipe cutters.  That would be too easy.  After twisting and squeezing and scoring and sharpening, I gave up.  A friend suggested a hack saw or hand saw.  I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that.  Thank you, friend.  That worked.  Phew.

Two days into the project, I felt good, for a moment.  The disposal was installed, and the pipes all connected.  Beautiful.  I ran the dishwasher to test the drain, and the thing started pouring water out of the air gap into the sink. Not only that, but it was leaking all down the pipes below as well.

After taking the dishwasher drain pipe off where it connected to the disposal, I saw that it was all clogged, so I cleaned it out and re-installed.  I tested it again, but it still spewed water in all the wrong places.  I decided to disconnect it from the other end, and while yanking and twisting and pulling and yanking to get it off, the disposal fell off.  Ugh.

I had to undo all the piping that I had just put together. I was about ready to chuck the thing at someone, but my husband was working from home, so I asked him to help hold it up while I put it back on.  Only, at some point in the jostling to get it into position, it somehow fell... right onto the hand (mine) that was holding it from the bottom.  Did I mention this thing is heavy?  It crushed my finger under the metal edge around its bottom, and my finger popped open like an over-ripe tomato.  Literally.  It was instantly numb from the crushing, so although I was screaming obscenities, I think it was mostly from frustration because pain doesn't generally bother me.  It took me a moment, after throwing the disposal wrench across the kitchen (which is unlike me, I don't usually throw things) to realize I'm bleeding.  My husband told me to calm down, so I screamed at him, too.


At this point I am pissed off, frustrated, and bleeding... but the necessity of cleaning and bandaging calmed me down.  The kids (yes, I'm swearing at the top of my lungs with a house full of kids, you don't have to tell me that that's bad) are fascinated by my bloody, blackened finger, so they watch as I cleaned and bandaged it. It was an interesting wound, completely purple and numb.  The cut isn't squirting blood like a fingertip cut generally does, but rather the blood is kind of bubbling out of it.  The throbbing didn't commence until sometime later.


I should probably have gone to the hospital and gotten stitches, but I was too pissed off to care.  Today I'm paying for it.  I have had to disinfect and reapply the stitch taping.  Oh well.  It's just a finger...  :-)


But on a lighter note...  I graduate today.