Invictus

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. William Ernest Henley I am finally watching the movie Invictus.  It is long overdue, but I rarely get opportunity for movies.  This movie was worth watching just to see this poem. I wish I had heard it earlier in life, although this has been my mantra without ever having heard it.  Words are powerful, and I have been influenced by other words that have gotten me through difficult times.   I am no Nelson Mandela, nor do I compare my life to his, but we each have our struggles, and words can lift us, or drown us.  Wherever we find them, how they touch us, may be different for everyone, but we are all influenced in some way by the words we hear. I hope you find words that can lift you.  Words to live by.

Vision

Imagine
Freedom
Learn
Wealth
See
Enjoy
Respect
Story
Feel
Do
Create

Food Allergies

In July, I did a cleanse.  It was a three-week program based on the book Clean by Dr. Alejandro Junger.

It's a gentle cleanse, which is why it was three weeks instead of one.  It is designed to eliminate all allergen possible foods, and simplify the diet to give the body time to detox while still providing enough nutrients and sustenance to operate on a daily basis without feeling completely depleted.

I've tried other cleansing diets in the past, most with the intention of losing weight more than detox.  This was the first time I just wanted to feel good for a while.

It was enlightening.  Some of the other diets I've tried have shown me that I do have sensitivity to certain foods.  This one completely eliminated them all, and allowed me time to experience what my body feels and looks like when it is isn't reacting.

My problem is that there are some foods I have a stronger reaction to than others, and some that I can't really identify.  Most of the reactions are mild, generally bloating, mild discomfort, or gas.  Some come with a more intense pain, along with those other symptoms.

And that's the thing.  What the difference between an allergy and being sensitive or having reactions?  Is it just a milder allergy?  Or is it something less?  "Allergy" seems to be a wildly overused term.

The one thing I have identified for sure is that I am sensitive to gluten.  Gluten can cause intense pain now that I've been avoiding it for a while.  It can feel like I've eaten ground glass in some cases.  And I feel that pain through the entire passage through my body.

Sweets give me migraines, but since I don't have much of a sweet tooth, that is much easier to avoid.

I also seem to be sensitive to dairy.  At least, I get bloating, gas, mild discomfort from it.  I thought for a minute that I might be able to substitute goat's milk or sheep's milk cheese for the real thing, but I think that might not agree with me either.  There are some very tasty goat and sheep's milk alternatives.  And they are plentiful in my area.  I'll have to try this experiment again and see if the reaction is to one or the other or both.

And therein lies my problem.  If I eat "clean" for a few days, I feel amazing.  By clean, I mean fish or poultry, veggies, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, fruit.  That's about the extent of it.  Then I add in something and see if I get a reaction.  If I do, it is almost immediate, so it's easy to tell.  The problem is it then takes at least two days of eating clean to get it out of my system and back to feeling right.  Therefore, the process of finding out these foods is tedious and long.

Besides the fact that I sometimes just eat whatever because I want to (like today).  Or when I am trying to eat well, and don't pay attention to ingredients.  This happens most often when eating out.  I order sautéed fish or chicken, and although it's described as not being "breaded" they do still coat it with flour before sautéing.  Those kinds of things slip me up.

I find it easier to eat well when I'm home and surrounded by good foods.  It is harder when out.   I love to eat.  I will gladly choose a healthier option when given the choice, but it gets tricky when everything on the menu has something in it that I know is going to bother me.  I'm much more inclined to just forget it and eat whatever.

I'm still in the learning process, and it is getting easier to recognize with practice, but this is difficult!  

An assignment to write my eulogy...

Dear Friends, I want to tell you how I lived an extraordinary life, and became a person that could hold her head high.

You see, my story didn’t start strong, although I did have advantages.  I was born into a large family with an abusive parent.  Although she used whatever methods she could, her strongest was her wit.  She left no opportunity to cut and demoralize untouched.

However, I had her same wit, and decided early that I wouldn’t let her words touch me.  Yes, it was a journey, but anything worth doing is a process that takes time.

I learned, over time, to listen to my own inner voice to decide what was truth.

With age came conviction, and values, and even a little wisdom.  I wasted a lot of time in depression, but with each recovery I was stronger.

I have learned that I am strong, and that strength is not common.  I have learned to lend my strength to protect and nurture those I love in whatever ways necessary.

I have learned that loyalty and friendship was a skill that must be learned.  These were traits that were important to me, and I can say with conviction that I am a loyal friend, loyal to a fault at times.  Those that I love can count on me for anything.  I would gladly risk my very self for the ones that have earned my loyalty.

I have learned that love is a decision.  Emotions come and go, and are as fleeting as the breeze.  But once a decision is made it can withstand a hurricane if conviction lies behind the decision.

I have learned that decisions are hard, but that I can make sound decisions with knowledge, information, and logic.  If my information is faulty when the decision was made, then I cannot regret the decision because it was made with the best information I had at the time.  In this way I can stand strong in my decisions, but be flexible enough to change them, if new information convinces me otherwise.

I have learned that all that I have is my word, and to treat it as an unbreakable bond.  If my word cannot be trusted, I have nothing.

I have learned that money is power, and with money come options.  Money in and of itself is merely a tool and not inherently evil.  The choices made in the pursuit of money and power may be evil, however, the pursuit itself is not.  I have learned that I do have a line I am not willing to cross, and I have learned that I am content with my ambition.

I have learned that I can get by with nothing, but I prefer not to.

I have learned that I am happiest when I feel worthwhile, and that I feel worthwhile when I am using my skills and my brain to their fullest capacity.

I have learned that I do not want to go through life carefully, saving up for later.  I would rather come to the end of my life fully used up and without regret.  I have learned that living for the future or dwelling in the past means only that I’m missing the present, and the present is all I really have.

I have tried everything at least once.  I have loved and lost.  I have friends that would do more for me than I could ever ask, and more of them than I ever thought possible for someone like me.  I have lived honestly and without regret. 

I have achieved more than I thought possible and less than I could have, which only serves to keep me striving and to not fall into complacency.

I have nothing outwardly to show for my life, but I have grown into a strong, ambitious, confident woman who can enjoy the moment.  

I am proud of my strength.  I am proud of my honesty, although it is not always perfect.  I am proud of my self-sufficiency, although I am learning to allow help when it is needed.  I am proud of the ambition that keeps me pushing myself to learn new skills and find ways to use them.  I am proud of the fact that I would willingly lay down my life for a friend, and thus I have learned love.

Recovering Malcontent

I visited my poor lonely blog tonight, considered writing about my trip to New York, and ended up reading the caption under the title.

"My blog started as a means to vent about all the things that annoy me, or about which I was "malcontent".  However, sometime during the process, I decided that I would be better served by taking a more positive outlook, and looking for ways I could make change to create positive results.  Thus, I am in recovery."


I guess the recovery worked, and I find myself content.  Unfortunately, content means fewer circumstances that rile me, and thus fewer rants, which leads to less writing.  So much for blogging.

I could turn my blog into a journal, but I was never fond of journalling.   There is too much pressure in it.  I know that a journal, faithfully kept, gives a clarifying depiction of events when reviewed through the lens of time.  However, the commitment of time required to actively journal makes me tired before I even begin.

I do try to write about notable events.  And my trip to New York does bear chronicling.  Hopefully I'll get to it soon, before I forget all of the details.  It was a wonderfully fabulous trip, that was a gift from my husband for my 40th birthday.  It was definitely a birthday to remember.

It would be cool to write about my transition to healthy eating.  It has been a long journey, and I haven't yet reached my goal, but it is shocking to see how far I've come.  I never thought I'd ever be anything but a meat & potatoes kind of eater.  It's crazy what a little education will do for a person.

I can't quite say goodbye to my blog, although it is looking a little lonely.   I will come back to it....when the time is right.  Wait for me.

Parenting

I've had a few conversations lately with some of my single mom friends about parenting.  It can be a lonely, hard, and thankless job being a mom.  And yes, I know there are plenty of dads who will think I'm being biased, but unless you're a single dad, with 100% custody, it is unlikely that you are bearing the brunt of schedules, appointments, school activities, discipline, chores, homework, nutrition, medications, laundry, and all the little things that make the day flow.

Granted, I'm not that great at most of that either.  I have a network of family and friends that remind me of activities he should do, and an alarm on my phone that tells me when to pick him up from school because otherwise I'd forget.  I have a son that's been doing his own laundry since he was tall enough to reach into the washing machine, as well as getting up and making his own breakfast since he was tall enough to reach up to the counter.

I also have a husband who agrees with me on how and when to discipline and what behaviors require discipline.  He will also show up to school things when I tell him about them, and takes on his share of the transporting, work permitting.

With that said, the bulk of the parenting inevitably falls on the mom.

For me, that means always being the bad guy.  While working full time, it also means I don't have much time to do any of the fun stuff.

My son regularly tells me (and anyone else that will listen) that I yell at him all the time, or he complains about how he never gets to do anything, or how I'm always making him do things he doesn't want to do.  I get the "I hate you" comments, and "you're mean," and all the other usual comments little boys say when they are angry.  I'm ok with that.

I listen to people telling me I'm too hard on him, or that I expect too much and he's just a kid, or that I'm a terrible parent because I don't hover over him every moment of the day.  I sometimes even feel guilty that I don't hang out with him and do all the fun things he'd love to do.

But mostly I'm ok with how things are.  He's a lucky boy to have two parents, a huge house in a great neighborhood, parents that can afford to put him on a swim team (even if it is a rec league), Taekwondo, as well as tennis and piano lessons after school.  He has parents that care enough to put him in a school that suits him, rather than the much easier option of the school on the corner.  And every now and then, I take him on vacations that he enjoys immensely.  He has grandparents and aunts and uncles that spoil him and love him and do the "fun stuff" with him.

I'm ok with being the bad guy, because I know that I'm doing the right thing for him.  I expect a lot from him, but only by the standards of today's parents that seem to expect nothing.  I expect him to be polite, respectful, responsible, and capable.  Kids apparently don't come that way; they need to be taught.  I'm perfectly ok with being the one responsible for teaching him because I signed up for that when I agreed to have a child.

I can take him on vacation with other people and not be embarrassed by his behavior.  I can let him go over to another person's house and not be afraid of what he will do, or how he will act.  I'm not saying he's a perfect child all the time, but he's acting eight, which is completely appropriate.  Overall, he's a good kid.

And I tell him so.  This weekend we went to Santa Cruz, and while digging in the sand yesterday morning, I told him again.  He's a good kid and he's fun to be around.  And he replied, "I wouldn't be without you."  I smiled, and said it was nice of him to say so, and he insisted, "No, really."

I'm ok being the bad guy; my son respects me and thanks me for it.  :-)

What might have been...

I just got back from a week-long road trip through Utah.  I know..  Utah?  But apparently they have quite a collection of astounding National Parks, and I took my son to see them over spring break.

It was very fun.  My sister and her husband were with us, and they borrowed a trailer we could all share, and we hit the road.  It was my first time camping since I was a kid, and I was excited to show my son, now that he's old enough to appreciate it, some of the beauty of this country.  I also was looking forward to getting him outside for extended lengths of time.

We live in the suburbs, which means the houses on our street are lined up like boxes on a shelf, with tiny backyards, and postage stamp sized lawns.  There is nothing for him to do outside, except ride his bike on the street.  I really wanted him to see what a pleasure it is to be outdoors.

We drove for a 15-16 hours to get to Zion National Park, in south-western Utah.  We set up the trailer, made dinner, and went to bed.  He discovered a playground and a bunch of kids in this campground, so he was out and playing the whole time.  The next morning, while we were getting ready to head into the park was the same.  We jumped on the incredibly awesome shuttle system to go into the park, and then hiked 3 trails, a total of around 10 miles, which took all day!  When we got back to the campground, he still had energy to go out and run around the campground with the kids, while I prepared dinner!

The next morning we got up, closed up camp, and drove to Bryce National Park.  This was a relatively short drive, and we had time to stop on the way at Escalante State Park and check out the largest collection of petrified wood that I've ever seen.  This only required a hike of almost 2 miles!  My son, who is an avid rock collector, was quite taken with the myriad of "rocks" with so many beautiful colors.  He was disappointed not to be able to bring any home.

Bryce was as impressive, although much smaller and higher in elevation, as Zion.  It was over 9100 feet at the topmost viewing area, and still had quite a bit of snow on the ground.  The park was set up to be able to see most of what the park offered from viewing spots along the road, and we did all of that on the first day, planning to hike the following morning.  Only one trail was open, due to snow and mud, and that took barely any time.  We spent some time in the visitor's center, and then drove to the next.

Capital Reef was an equally small park, with one long hike through towering rocks which was a wash for flash flooding during the rains, and a shorter hike to see some petroglyphs.  This was easily done in a day, and we drove on to the final camping grounds near Arches National Park.

Arches was just that.  A myriad of interesting arches carved out of the sandstone in various shapes and sizes.  We hiked for 5 miles here, but got to see all of the famous arches that this park boasted.

We had originally planned another day in this area to see Canyonlands National Park, but work schedules and a week-long Jeep convention in Moab restricted our ability to stay another night.   We could have seen some of it after Arches, since we had seen all we could by mid-afternoon, but I was gritty from sandstorms, tired, and desperately wanted a shower.  We ended up visiting Moab, then heading back for dinner and showers.

The next morning we broke camp again to drive across the state of Utah.  We had basically gone diagonally from the bottom left, to the top right (under the L) of the state, so now needed to drive the entire length to get back to Nevada and our final stop.

We arrived at Great Basin National Park, just past the state line in Nevada, mid-afternoon... just in time to set up the trailer and head down for the cave tour being offered at 3:30.  This is what the park is known for, apparently, and the only thing open due to snow.  The caves were quite impressive, and unlike any others that I've visited.  This was my son's first cave experience, and he loved it as much as I did.

This was definitely the most primitive of the campsites we had visited.  There were no hook-ups, so we had no water, except what was in our tanks, or electricity.  There was no free wi-fi and no cell service!  This was definitely as out of touch as you could possibly get.  It was very weird, and I was glad to be leaving in the morning!

But next morning, we woke up to almost 3" of snow on the trailer, and still falling!  It was beautiful for sure, and luckily I had expected rain at some point in our trip, so had all of my rain gear to keep me dry, but I was definitely interested in getting out there and clearing off the snow so we could get off the mountain before we got snowed in.

Getting the snow off involved climbing up a picnic table that we turned on it's side longwise so I could climb onto the top of the trailer in order to sweep the snow off of the pull-out so we could retract it.  I was very thankful for the gore-tex rain pants!  We got the snow off and the trailer hooked up without incident and were on the road by 9am.  Thankfully, the snow was only at the higher elevations and the roads were clear.

We drove all the way across Nevada on Highway 50.  What a long, desolate road!  We got into Reno around 5 pm, with plenty of time to stop for dinner and shop in Cabela's for all the outdoor wear we could possibly never need. 

Passing through Reno was very nostalgic for me.  It has changed a lot in the almost 20 years since I left it.  I lived there for a year when I moved there with the company I worked for out of high school.  I couldn't help but wonder what my life would be like had I stayed there and hadn't been in such a hurry to get back to California.

Granted, I hated it there.  Reno was a definite pit, and we spent every weekend in California with family.  But I had a really good job, that I enjoyed and where I was respected.  I wonder where I could have gone with my career had I stayed.  The University of Reno is a very good school, and I went there for a semester during my short stint in Nevada.

I'm not usually given to what if's... and I would definitely have been miserable for a long time.  But I wonder if I would have had more success in my career if I had stayed with that company.  You never can tell, but it's hard not to wonder.

Mortgage Crisis

The mortgage crisis has been going on for some time now, and it seems to be getting easier and easier for those inconvenienced by a mortgage payment to get out of it.  I've watched the value of my home plummet, while heaving a sigh of relief that at least we're not upside down.  Most of that is because I've been throwing every spare dime at the loan in order to keep it in the black.

Only now I realize that that very attitude has screwed me.

Did you know that the powers that be have changed the rules so that a short-sale only stays on your credit report for 2 years?  A foreclosure for 5?  Did you know that if you are 30 days late on a payment of any kind, it will stay on your credit report for 7 years, but if you walk away from the largest debt you could possibly have, then that's washed away as if it never happened in 2-5 years?  Really??  What is wrong with this country?

And why am I still making my mortgage payments?  I've been trying to get a better interest rate on my loan for over a year.  I bought my house before the rules changed to make it easier for people to get loans they couldn't afford.  As a result, my interest rate is much higher than it should be.

The government is kindly dropping the interest rates on mortgages for people who can't pay their mortgages, or who simply bought more than they could afford.  They are even cutting the amount that is owed considerably to make it less onerous for people to pay what they agreed to pay when they bought their homes.

But I can't get my loan refinanced because I'm not upside down, but I owe more than 95% of the current value.  My loan is a conventional loan that was not financed by the government, and therefore cannot be easily changed.  And to top it off, I've been making my payments on time, and therefore the banks have no interest in cutting or reducing their profit from someone who is obviously dumb enough to keep giving them money.

I find it equally disturbing that we live in a society that seems to be more than willing to support a government that exists only to prop up big business and the rich people, and reward a lazy, unethical, illiterate population with handouts at the expense of the steady, honorable, responsible citizenry.

I guess that's fine if you fall into either category getting the government bailouts.  And it seems that the responsible citizenry seems to be shrinking in number so as to make their voices immaterial anyway.  It doesn't help that they still cling to a code of honor that assumes that justice will prevail and "those" will get what they deserve in the long run.

It sickens me that in order to get the banks to do the right thing, I have to consider NOT making my payments.  How is that at all reasonable?  I know that there's a hell of a lot that I could do with a year's worth of mortgage payments if I were willing to walk away from this house.

New Year

It's the start of a new year.  I've never really marked New Year's as a new beginning until recently.  Now it seems like an easy enough date to measure goals by.

Last year I set some financial goals for myself.  I'd have to go back and look at the post to see what other goals I'd set for 2010.  I know I did do fairly well with my finances, and would have done better except for a setback from another stupid decision I made a few years back trying to help out a family member.

I took on a couple of side jobs at the end of last year which will hopefully help me towards my goal of buying a rental property.  I've wanted to do this for over a decade, but somehow the money for a down payment has not fallen out of the sky for me.  So I've done something about it and am actually setting aside the money from my side jobs for this purpose.  Hopefully I can reach this goal by the end of next year.  Hopefully the real estate market won't have rebounded so much as to make it out of reach!

My own business seems to be faltering.  I have lost almost every kid I've added this year, which is NOT good for business!  I am laying off my assistant next month, which may be a blessing in disguise.  Her work ethic has really fallen since she had her baby, and it's been difficult having to supervise at all times to make sure she is doing her job.

I've also decided not to have her work just because I know she needs the income when I don't actually need to have her here.  It costs me too much, without the income to support it, to fund her family.  The Bank of Reina is closed!

My side jobs have also kept me pretty busy since November.  Things are lightening up a little but I have my own year-end tax stuff yet to do, as well as the year-end tax filing for my husband's new side business.  That one should be easy as he and his business partner just started the business late last year and there hasn't been much activity.  My own will take a while.  It generally takes me two weeks of straight work to get everything together and recorded.  Usually I'm done by now, but I haven't even started!  I did get my filing up to date yesterday, which means at least all my receipts are together.

I do enjoy being busy, it seems.  And since finishing school in the middle of last year, it's only natural to have added a few jobs to fill in the time!

I need to spend some time this year on getting my website updated as well as the resource website presentable.  It's disappointing that every time I actually hire someone to do something for me, it rarely turns out well.  I need to give it some time and effort to make it match my vision.

We shall see.  This year is shaping up to be just as full as last year!  We'll see how I do.