An assignment to write my eulogy...

Dear Friends, I want to tell you how I lived an extraordinary life, and became a person that could hold her head high.

You see, my story didn’t start strong, although I did have advantages.  I was born into a large family with an abusive parent.  Although she used whatever methods she could, her strongest was her wit.  She left no opportunity to cut and demoralize untouched.

However, I had her same wit, and decided early that I wouldn’t let her words touch me.  Yes, it was a journey, but anything worth doing is a process that takes time.

I learned, over time, to listen to my own inner voice to decide what was truth.

With age came conviction, and values, and even a little wisdom.  I wasted a lot of time in depression, but with each recovery I was stronger.

I have learned that I am strong, and that strength is not common.  I have learned to lend my strength to protect and nurture those I love in whatever ways necessary.

I have learned that loyalty and friendship was a skill that must be learned.  These were traits that were important to me, and I can say with conviction that I am a loyal friend, loyal to a fault at times.  Those that I love can count on me for anything.  I would gladly risk my very self for the ones that have earned my loyalty.

I have learned that love is a decision.  Emotions come and go, and are as fleeting as the breeze.  But once a decision is made it can withstand a hurricane if conviction lies behind the decision.

I have learned that decisions are hard, but that I can make sound decisions with knowledge, information, and logic.  If my information is faulty when the decision was made, then I cannot regret the decision because it was made with the best information I had at the time.  In this way I can stand strong in my decisions, but be flexible enough to change them, if new information convinces me otherwise.

I have learned that all that I have is my word, and to treat it as an unbreakable bond.  If my word cannot be trusted, I have nothing.

I have learned that money is power, and with money come options.  Money in and of itself is merely a tool and not inherently evil.  The choices made in the pursuit of money and power may be evil, however, the pursuit itself is not.  I have learned that I do have a line I am not willing to cross, and I have learned that I am content with my ambition.

I have learned that I can get by with nothing, but I prefer not to.

I have learned that I am happiest when I feel worthwhile, and that I feel worthwhile when I am using my skills and my brain to their fullest capacity.

I have learned that I do not want to go through life carefully, saving up for later.  I would rather come to the end of my life fully used up and without regret.  I have learned that living for the future or dwelling in the past means only that I’m missing the present, and the present is all I really have.

I have tried everything at least once.  I have loved and lost.  I have friends that would do more for me than I could ever ask, and more of them than I ever thought possible for someone like me.  I have lived honestly and without regret. 

I have achieved more than I thought possible and less than I could have, which only serves to keep me striving and to not fall into complacency.

I have nothing outwardly to show for my life, but I have grown into a strong, ambitious, confident woman who can enjoy the moment.  

I am proud of my strength.  I am proud of my honesty, although it is not always perfect.  I am proud of my self-sufficiency, although I am learning to allow help when it is needed.  I am proud of the ambition that keeps me pushing myself to learn new skills and find ways to use them.  I am proud of the fact that I would willingly lay down my life for a friend, and thus I have learned love.

Recovering Malcontent

I visited my poor lonely blog tonight, considered writing about my trip to New York, and ended up reading the caption under the title.

"My blog started as a means to vent about all the things that annoy me, or about which I was "malcontent".  However, sometime during the process, I decided that I would be better served by taking a more positive outlook, and looking for ways I could make change to create positive results.  Thus, I am in recovery."


I guess the recovery worked, and I find myself content.  Unfortunately, content means fewer circumstances that rile me, and thus fewer rants, which leads to less writing.  So much for blogging.

I could turn my blog into a journal, but I was never fond of journalling.   There is too much pressure in it.  I know that a journal, faithfully kept, gives a clarifying depiction of events when reviewed through the lens of time.  However, the commitment of time required to actively journal makes me tired before I even begin.

I do try to write about notable events.  And my trip to New York does bear chronicling.  Hopefully I'll get to it soon, before I forget all of the details.  It was a wonderfully fabulous trip, that was a gift from my husband for my 40th birthday.  It was definitely a birthday to remember.

It would be cool to write about my transition to healthy eating.  It has been a long journey, and I haven't yet reached my goal, but it is shocking to see how far I've come.  I never thought I'd ever be anything but a meat & potatoes kind of eater.  It's crazy what a little education will do for a person.

I can't quite say goodbye to my blog, although it is looking a little lonely.   I will come back to it....when the time is right.  Wait for me.