EMDR and Therapy

I guess I never posted a follow-up to my EMDR second appointment last Wednesday, so here goes.

The second appointment was, if anything, worse than the first. We went through a series of stupid questions, that the therapist should have known the answer to based on our previous conversations. When I complained, she said she "had to go through her standard form" list of questions.

I think that in a field as subjective as psychology, there should be no such thing as a "standard form." But that's just me. What do I know?

After an hour of questions, followed by pauses to see how that made me "feel," I came to the conclusion that I may have an attachment problem. My fear of abandonment may cause me not to get too attached to anyone. I might find something to read on that subject.

Aside from that, another wasted hour and $90.

But by the end of the day I figured that the EMDR must be doing something. I don't know what it was doing, but I came home and ate for the rest of the day. Obsessively. I couldn't stop. I was stuffed to the point of pain, but still eating. I ate so much I had a stomach-ache for 2 days.

I have to say, if gaining 50# is the price of emotional health, then I'm ok with being messed up!

EMDR and Therapy

I had my first appointment with the new therapist on Thursday. I was somewhat more nervous about going to this one than I had been for the original one. I'm not sure why, except maybe that I had had more time to think about it.

New Therapist is marginally closer to me, but works only Mon-Wed, 8-5. Old Therapist did evening appointments, which makes perfect sense to me for a service industry that primarily serves a working population. (I'm assuming, of course, that if someone is not working, they would not be able to afford counseling. That may be a faulty assumption. I'm learning, slowly, that people are generally not very logical.)

New Therapist had made a special appointment on Thursday morning for me, considering the "urgent" nature of my need.

I went in a little early to fill out paperwork (which she had e-mailed to me, and I had completely forgotten to print or fill out), and she had not yet arrived, so I used the time to work on the extensive to-do list I had created on my way to her office. I figured I could at least make some calls that I needed to make.

She came in while I was on the phone with Comcast. I tried to get off the phone, but that kind of conversation needs to be followed through to resolution, so I made her wait. She didn't seem to mind. It wasn't long before I hung up and could go into her office.

We talked briefly about Old Therapist and what had occurred there, and then she spoke briefly about EMDR and what it does. Her explanation was less than complete, as apparently she prefers to have her patients read up on it before coming in. Go figure. She tells me that the machine basically makes you access both sides of your brain while talking/processing whatever it is you are talking about, by the use of headphones that may or may not make a beeping sound in each ear. (I'm not exactly clear on this. Obviously.)

We didn't really get to use the EMDR (according to New Therapist) because this appointment was all about the back story. I spoke to her about my mother, my son, my step-fathers, etc. We kind of wandered all over the place with no rhyme or reason to the direction. She was NOT as adept as Old Therapist at listening and asking questions in order to direct the conversation. In fact I think the 30 minutes I had with Old Therapist were more effective than the 75 minutes (we ran long) with New Therapist. If EMDR is as effective as this lady suggests, Old Therapist should look into it!

There were a couple of things that were red flags for me with New Therapist, besides the fact that she does not lead the conversation with questions. First, she seemed to want to know about irrelevant things. Granted, it is my assumption that they are irrelevant. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things they will be of utmost importance. We'll see. For instance, she asked quite a bit about my son, what he's like, and my parenting style with him. I'm sure that gives her some insight, but I'm completely satisfied with the parent I am, and don't really need her to tell me that I do a better job than my mother did. Duh.

Second, I told her about an incident in my childhood that shaped the relationship I had with my mother for the rest of my life. This incident happened when I was around 5 years old. I told her the story, then moved on to other things. At some point she wanted to go back to this incident, so I complied. She asked me to tell her how it would have "went down" if I (the mother I am today) had been dealing with me (the 5 year old). I was confused. All I could say was "WHAT??". So she asked me to tell her how I think it would have happened had a loving mother been involved in the incident as described.... Are you kidding me??

So I said, "I don't pretend very well".

She was taken aback, but recovered and moved on. But let me tell you, if this is her technique, she's not going to last. I definitely don't need her to explain that my mother was not a good mother. Double Duh.

I will give her a chance. We have another appointment on Wednesday morning. I'm mostly interested in finding out how the EMDR works, and if it works. But if this is her "style" and she can't adapt, then I think I'd much rather take as long as it takes to work through things with Old Therapist without the assistance of the EMDR. However much they both claim that EMDR shortens the process, it is not worth it to me to work with someone dumb. Ok, maybe that's a little harsh. Not dumb, merely inexperienced, inflexible, and by-the-book. I can already tell you I'm not typical.

Therapy

Tonight I had my therapy appointment.

Wait, let me back up.

Last week I went to see my chiropractor. He also does holistic healing using the body's messages to find the emotional core of whatever symptoms your body displays, or something along those lines. I went to him to see if he could do his voodoo on my brain and open the floodgates, so to speak.

We had a productive time. At least I thought so. He asked for 30 minutes, and I was there for an hour and a half, discussing resentments, past and present. All from some clue he got from my pancreas, or some such weird thing. Anyway, I was encouraged by that and looking forward to my appointment tonight.

So, back to tonight.

I met the therapist, and she asked me a little about the depression that I had commented about on the paperwork. I told her that it was something I've struggled with since childhood, and she asked if it was genetic. I mentioned that my mother probably had had a chemical imbalance and was either manic depressive or bi-polar. Since I referred to her in the past tense, she asked if my mother was dead. I said no.

That led to some discussion of my relationship (or lack of) with my mother. After about 15-20 minutes of that she stopped me. At this point we were about 30 minutes into the session. She stopped me and said that frankly she wasn't what I needed, and referred me to someone who specializes in EMDR and trauma treatments. She couldn't explain what EMDR was, so I'll have to let you know what it is when I find out, but she seemed to think I needed something more intense/direct/effective than just talking about my issues.

She even told me what to say to the lady she was referring me to. I wrote it down. She said "go ahead and tell her all that on her voicemail." She seemed to imply there was some urgency in getting in to see her.

Go figure. I thought I was doing pretty well, I just needed a little help with letting my emotions out. Hunh. Fired by my therapist halfway through the first session.

I'll keep you posted on the new one when I get an appointment. Now I'm curious...

Needless to say, she didn't charge me.

Long time...

Has it really been since Thanksgiving that I last posted? I deserved the nudge, Frank! Thanks.

I've been avoiding writing because I can't think of anything positive to say. Not wanting to appear the malcontent that I naturally am, I decided to refrain altogether.

But a little birdie told me that the occasional lapse in my recovery is acceptable, so here goes.

I've been feeling really low since Vauna's death. I really feel like I'm an emotional zombie. I have nothing going on inside, and honestly, I don't like it. I seem to be getting better and better at repressing emotion, to the point that it's no longer a choice, but just a natural reflex.

It hasn't been too long since I last held back by choice, or let loose on a lonely drive. But lately? Nothing. And I have to admit to sinking into a bit of depression. I think the holidays contribute to that, though.

It's not a good time to be depressed, let me tell you! There's a ton of things that need to happen in the month of December, and this year especially I can't afford to be moping around, pissing my days away! My business is struggling, my thesis needs writing, my records need to be updated for year-end tax prep, and Christmas needs all the attention that Christmas generally takes. Definitely not the time to be hiding my head under the covers.

So I made an appointment to see a therapist a week from Monday. I've seen a couple in the past with unfavorable results, but this lady came well recommended, so I'm willing to try it again. I'm hoping that she can help me figure out where my problem lies. I'll let you know how it goes.