Being Female

Jeff McQ has again astonished me with his insight into this issue on his blog. After reading his post, I wanted to talk about my feelings on this point. Granted, I will say right now that this is from MY perspective, and may not be how you feel. But to be honest, this topic has shaped my life, and who I am, so I appreciate the opportunity to tell my story, and the people who are beginning to listen.

I recognized a difference in the treatment of men and women from an early age. I've never felt like I had the same opportunities that I would have had were I a man. I never once felt I could be "whatever I wanted to be." I grew up resenting my brothers for their blatant wasting of their advantage. I worked hard, studied hard, played by all the rules, just to be given the chance to prove myself competent.

I watched my mother accept her role as a servant to her husbands because she felt that that was her place. I listened to her teach that lesson to my older sister and I. I rebelled against this, determined not to subjugate myself to men. Having five brothers who did not carry the same responsibility or have the same expectations set for them, I felt the unfairness first hand. Why should I serve them, just because they were born with a penis?

As I've said before, much of this was cultural, and some was religious influence.

Early in my life I felt disdain for everything feminine. I viewed the female role as weak, and vowed to fight it everywhere I could. I decided young that I would never have children. Having children was a definite disadvantage. Having ultimate responsibility for a child automatically put the woman into a less respectable role. I sensed the feeling to be that a woman's place was in the home with the babies, and therefore she could not be trusted to be objective in other decisions.

This opinion was reinforced when I entered the workforce. Everyone talks about the inequality of pay. I believe we are making strides in that direction. However, the inequality goes much further than pay. It is much more insidious in the subtle exclusions, the slightly condescending tones, the delegation of tasks that the men consider unworthy. And all of this is reinforced when a working woman has children.

Of course women have the right to maternity leave to go have babies, but when I worked in the office, I could hear the contempt when men spoke of this "time off". I also watched the erosion of her position while she was out. And if she chose to extend her time at home with her baby, the feeling of "taking time off" was only amplified. Never was it viewed as important that she spend what time she could with her newborn. It was always about the inconvenience of her time away and the fact that fathers did not get this time off. (Family leave for men is a relatively new idea, and I've been out of the workplace long enough that I cannot justly say how this has changed the atmosphere surrounding maternity leave.)

And this continues to be an issue when it is predominantly the mother who takes time off for sick children, or doctor's appointments, or school scheduling.

I know, I know. This isn't true for everyone. I also know that it is becoming much more in fashion to have involved fathers who take their turns with this. But I now watch kids for a living. I know who to be call when a child is sick. I see who is taking the time off to come pick that child up.

I can relate to Jeff's comments about being more masculine in the workplace. I tried very hard to do all the right things. Then, I left to have my own son. I knew the moment that I decided to get pregnant that I was making a mistake. Soon after returning from maternity leave I was laid off.

This was 2003. People were getting laid off all over. Finding work was not easy, and I tried branching into other fields. After a couple of poor employment choices I started my childcare.

It was humiliating for me to be pregnant. It was like I was admitting that everyone was right, and there is nothing else for women than this. Even though I know this isn't true, it feels like I must prove myself every day in a man's world.

I hope, for the sake of the next generation of girls, that it doesn't continue to be this way. Thank you Jeff, for letting me have my say. And oh! Happy Mother's Day.