Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Death

My ex's mother died today, and I feel.... nothing.

How is it that I've turned into this emotional zombie? She was very important to me. I spent every evening and weekend sitting by her bed for FIVE MONTHS, when she fell ill a few years ago.

Once she got out of the hospital and went home, though, I distanced myself some. Well, a lot. I'd still visit her, and call her, but not often.

But then, I've kind of distanced myself from everything.

Why do I not feel something? Anything? A radio host I listen to said that if you suppress one emotion you suppress them all. That they all come from the same place in your brain, and there's no way to selectively choose which emotions to suppress.

I know this isn't making sense. I'm rambling. I don't know what's WRONG with me. How in the world does one live like this?

4 comments:

preacherstribe said...

Dear Reina, I'm sorry this is painful for you. Certainly, you should feel something, but if when you were young you got hurt, really bad, you have compensated for it by blocking the potential for pain. Subconsciously, you will not allow yourself to be hurt on a certain level. This is not uncommon. There are Counselors in my area that are excellent at finding the root of such issues.
Frank
PS: I have a series of 12 public meetings on my thumb drive that you could have if you want them.

Reina said...

I would like them. Can they be e-mailed?

preacherstribe said...

I don't have the time this minute, but I'll see what I can do in the morning. Do I have you e-mail address? Hang on, I'll check and call you if I don't. Frank

preacherstribe said...

I don't have your e-mail address. When I tried to call you, I got a fax machine signal. Get through to me somehow and I'll send you the 12 meetings. (Non-SDA)