Therapy

Tonight I had my therapy appointment.

Wait, let me back up.

Last week I went to see my chiropractor. He also does holistic healing using the body's messages to find the emotional core of whatever symptoms your body displays, or something along those lines. I went to him to see if he could do his voodoo on my brain and open the floodgates, so to speak.

We had a productive time. At least I thought so. He asked for 30 minutes, and I was there for an hour and a half, discussing resentments, past and present. All from some clue he got from my pancreas, or some such weird thing. Anyway, I was encouraged by that and looking forward to my appointment tonight.

So, back to tonight.

I met the therapist, and she asked me a little about the depression that I had commented about on the paperwork. I told her that it was something I've struggled with since childhood, and she asked if it was genetic. I mentioned that my mother probably had had a chemical imbalance and was either manic depressive or bi-polar. Since I referred to her in the past tense, she asked if my mother was dead. I said no.

That led to some discussion of my relationship (or lack of) with my mother. After about 15-20 minutes of that she stopped me. At this point we were about 30 minutes into the session. She stopped me and said that frankly she wasn't what I needed, and referred me to someone who specializes in EMDR and trauma treatments. She couldn't explain what EMDR was, so I'll have to let you know what it is when I find out, but she seemed to think I needed something more intense/direct/effective than just talking about my issues.

She even told me what to say to the lady she was referring me to. I wrote it down. She said "go ahead and tell her all that on her voicemail." She seemed to imply there was some urgency in getting in to see her.

Go figure. I thought I was doing pretty well, I just needed a little help with letting my emotions out. Hunh. Fired by my therapist halfway through the first session.

I'll keep you posted on the new one when I get an appointment. Now I'm curious...

Needless to say, she didn't charge me.

Emotions

I know I mentioned this in a previous post, but I've been thinking quite a bit about emotions. I have not started on my quest to find them, but the quest itself, and the possible outcome has been on my mind.

So, according to Dr. Laura Berman, if you suppress one or more emotions, you suppress them all, since they all come from the same center in the brain. I know I've mentioned that before. I think I'm going somewhere with this...

The five emotions, as described in ysmarko's blog, are: Anger, Hurt, Sadness, Fear, and Joy. I think he was saying that all others are a subset of these. This sounds about right to me, but not being an expert on emotion, I'm willing to take his word for it.

My question is... Why are 4 out of the 5 unpleasant?

Long time...

Has it really been since Thanksgiving that I last posted? I deserved the nudge, Frank! Thanks.

I've been avoiding writing because I can't think of anything positive to say. Not wanting to appear the malcontent that I naturally am, I decided to refrain altogether.

But a little birdie told me that the occasional lapse in my recovery is acceptable, so here goes.

I've been feeling really low since Vauna's death. I really feel like I'm an emotional zombie. I have nothing going on inside, and honestly, I don't like it. I seem to be getting better and better at repressing emotion, to the point that it's no longer a choice, but just a natural reflex.

It hasn't been too long since I last held back by choice, or let loose on a lonely drive. But lately? Nothing. And I have to admit to sinking into a bit of depression. I think the holidays contribute to that, though.

It's not a good time to be depressed, let me tell you! There's a ton of things that need to happen in the month of December, and this year especially I can't afford to be moping around, pissing my days away! My business is struggling, my thesis needs writing, my records need to be updated for year-end tax prep, and Christmas needs all the attention that Christmas generally takes. Definitely not the time to be hiding my head under the covers.

So I made an appointment to see a therapist a week from Monday. I've seen a couple in the past with unfavorable results, but this lady came well recommended, so I'm willing to try it again. I'm hoping that she can help me figure out where my problem lies. I'll let you know how it goes.