Church

I had a conversation last night with a friend about church; what church is, versus what church should be.  I fell asleep thinking about what it must have been like for the early Christians.

Right after Jesus ascended, as the early church was forming, there was such an excitement among the people who believed his message.  There is a comment in the book of Acts about how the believers gathered every day to eat together and fellowship.

I imagine it was like the release of the new iPhone.  When all those techy geeks couldn't help getting together to talk about their new toy, and compare applications, and share discoveries on how it worked and what it could do.  Everyone was talking about it, writing about it, excited about it.  The non techy's couldn't help but see that excitement and wonder if they shouldn't also have an iPhone.  I mean, if it was that great...

Now imagine 2000 years ago.  These people were living through a time of unrest.  They were being occupied by a government so powerful they couldn't do anything about it.  They were powerless to shield their children from seeing their own people being horrifically murdered on crosses lining the streets.  The most they could hope for was that the occupying army wouldn't destroy their temples or force them into breaking their own laws.  There were many/some/a few scholars who believed that the prophecies pointed to this time as being the time of the messiah.  There was supposed to be a liberator coming soon.  

There had already been a few attempts.  They had seen men come and go claiming to be the messiah.  These "messiahs" would be charismatic enough to gather large groups of followers, and inevitably their message would turn to revolution and liberation from Roman rule.  They would then be crucified for treason, their followers would all go home, and the whole thing would fade away.

And then came Jesus.  He was charismatic -- at least there was something about him that drew crowds.  He claimed to be the son of God, bringing salvation.  Somehow, though, Rome and the occupation never seemed to come up.  All he ever seemed to talk about was the character of a man.  He seemed much more concerned with the individual than the nation of Israel as a whole.  He talked on and on in riddles and stories about fictional characters.  Yet it seemed that every person in the audience connected with him.  Whatever random story he told seemed to be about them, or for them, or somehow related to them.

Even without the stories people came, though.  Sure it was cool to hear him speak, but he was healing people at the same time.  People near and far had heard about him restoring sight to the blind, healing cripples, touching lepers and healing them of this hideously deadly disease.  That was the interesting part.  He actually TOUCHED all these unclean people, who by law should be shunned.  Who wouldn't be interested in seeing a guy like that?

Granted, when his following got large enough, everyone WANTED him to start talking about revolution.  I mean, what was a messiah for if not to end this oppressive occupation?  Didn't the prophecies say he would save them?  But Jesus stubbornly refused to comply.  He always had some slippery answer that wasn't really an answer whenever someone brought up the subject.

And then he ended up dead.  Just like the rest of them.  Crucified, no less, which was even more humiliating and disturbing.  Enough people witnessed his death that the news spread like wildfire.  Those closest to him, his disciples, were at a loss.  What would they do now?  They had spent the last three years of their lives following him around and spreading his message.

Then the sightings began.  First Mary and Martha swear they saw him alive.  Then the disciples, then hundreds of people witness it.  He was alive?  How could that be?  But they had seen him with their own eyes, touched him with their own hands, and finally understood what the liberation and salvation was all about that he had talked endlessly about.

This was exciting!  How could you not be excited about seeing a dead guy alive again, and then SEEING him going up into the light?  So many people saw it that they couldn't very well ALL be dismissed as insane.  That, coupled with the amazing things he had said and done before he died made for interesting conversation.  How could you not get together to talk about this?  Add in the fear of ending up just like him if they were caught, and you have a group of people that TRULY believe that Jesus was the messiah, the christ.  You couldn't be a half-believer.  The risk of death was great.  Too great to be unclear about where you stood.

So this group of excited believers get together on a regular basis to talk about what they'd seen, who had witnessed what, how they had personally connected with the message Jesus brought.  Then, one day, as Peter is preaching this message, the holy spirit comes to them.  The spirit filled the room in a physical way.  Everyone could SEE the spirit hovering over everyone else, and all hell breaks loose (so to speak) as people start weeping, and laughing, and jabbering in languages they didn't know.  This was real.  It was something they could see.  It wasn't an "I think I've got the holy spirit" kind of thing.

And then the persecutions really ramped up, and the people scattered, sharing this amazing thing with anyone who would listen.  And as they spread, they gathered new groups that would come together on a regular basis, at least on the sabbath, and talk about this new experience.  This was joyful community.  They had everything in common with each other.  They believed something that could get them killed.  But how could they not when they could see every day, with their own eyes, the manifestations of love that resulted from this?

This church was a community.  They couldn't wait until their day of rest, or the end of their workday, so they could hang out together and share their hospitality and experiences.  They were so excited about what was happening in their lives, they couldn't shut up about it and mind their own business.  There was no doubt about the reality of what was happening; they could see the holy spirit come into a person, and witness the gifts that came with that.

This was noticed by outsiders.  This movement was noticed as far away as Rome itself.  People were drawn to this community of equality and belonging.

This is not how I see the church today.  Christianity is not exciting.  It is not about love and worship, equality and sharing.  When I think of Christians I think of hypocrisy and name-calling, exclusion and self-righteousness.  Who would be interested in joining that?  I'm not.

My Ministry

I had a strange dream last night.  

The setting was a gathering of Christians meeting together to hear speakers teach.

During one such meeting, the woman teaching the class was speaking on the do's and don'ts for God's followers.  The example given was high-heeled shoes.  She was explaining that heels were acceptable but stilettos were not.  Even though the heel-height was exactly the same, she was arguing that the shape of one heel was appropriate and modest, while the other was sinful.  In my dream, a young man was assisting her by showing an example of each.

(Don't laugh!  I know this seems like a ridiculous example, but I am quite sure that there are Christians that would agree with this thinking, and if not this, then something equally inconsequential.)

I challenged the young man to  explain why one would be acceptable to God, while the other was not.  Because of my arguments, he confessed that he had similar questions about photography. He had some implied nude photographs in his room, and he wondered if they were ok, since they didn't really show any private parts, or if they would still be considered pornography.  I started to tell him about the photography my husband does, at which point the leader of the group admonished us for being disruptive and not participating.

Then I woke up.

As I was waking, I had these thoughts in quick succession:  

First, I should take the young man aside, listen to his concerns, tell him my experiences, and let God do the rest.  

Second, that my ministry is about love and acceptance.  As much as I would love to be in a leadership role, speaking, teaching, or leading, that type of thing would only go to my head, so it is probably not God's plan for me.

Finally, I thought of all the unlikely people that I have already encountered that just needed to know that they were acceptable to God as they are, even with the crazy thoughts, strange histories, etc.  People that I would never expect to seek me out.

I know this is a strange thing for me to write about, but I've often questioned why I felt the need to become a Christian after all of these years.  I've also thought about how incompatible my way of thinking is with status quo of Christian beliefs.  I ALWAYS question the legitimacy of believing in something unseen.

Considering this unlikely set of characteristics, I've often thought about how God might use me.  Mostly, I come up blank.  I wanted to share this thought with you.

God and Women

As you know from reading my earlier entries, I've been reading my bible.  I read it through entirely, and am going back and re-reading bits and pieces, since it's a long book.  There's no way to remember everything it says in one reading.

Anyway, one of the things that struck me is how many prominent women are mentioned in every culture but that of the Jews and Christians.  It would seem that God, my God, the God of the bible, introduced the idea that women should be subservient to men, and his people have been busy making an example of that to the rest of the world.  Christians especially, seem to have done a excellent job of setting this example, ultimately culminating in the dark ages, when women were worth less than cattle.

Now, after 6,000 years of this, women are working hard to dig themselves out of this trench to demand equality and respect.  Equality before men AND God.

So what was the point of this?  When I first read through the books of Moses, this really angered me.  During the time God was laying out all 600+ laws and instructions to Moses, he couldn't have said ONE DARN THING to protect women from what he, as God, should have known would happen?  It seems clear to me that Jesus respected women, and treated them well, which is probably why he had such a following of loyal women.  So why the disconnect?  What was the purpose of being such an ass?

You don't need to tell me what I already believe: which is that God DOESN'T know what's going to happen, and that he changes his mind just like the rest of us.  I would like to hear some other theories, though.

God, a realization

As you can tell from previous posts, I've lately been wrestling with the concept of God.  Is he real, or am I deluding myself?  I've considered myself to be a "believer" for almost four years now, but I constantly struggle with doubt.  I have so many questions that remain unanswered, which seem to erode any confidence or faith that builds up in me.

Tonight I voiced this doubt to my bible study group.  To be honest, it is more of a community group than a bible study group, but we've been meeting for almost three years now.  Through the discussion in this group of unique women, I've come to a realization:  I've been waiting for God to show himself to me in some spectacular way, when in fact, I haven't noticed the little things he's been doing all along.

I think it's easy for me to miss, or forget, the incremental changes that happen in my life.  Life is busy, and crowded with thousands of little details that consume my days.  But over the last year and a half I have changed.  I've softened considerably, and can even admit to showing and receiving love to family and friends around me.  I don't think that would have been true two years ago.  The only difference in my life that can account for this change is that during this time I've read the bible.  The entire thing.

I'm not saying that reading the bible is, of itself, the reason for the change, but through the reading I've gotten to know God a little bit.  I think most people would consider reading the bible a form of torture, but it's really an exciting book.  It's full of plot and intrigue, sex and murder, war and slavery.  

There are plots in here that even Hollywood couldn't beat.

But the interesting thing is that in the midst of all of these stories is God.  And each story tells a little more about his character.

I think getting to know his character has changed mine.  Slightly.  I can't say that I've been overwhelmed with the spirit and have an open telephone line to God, but I can say that the rock that has been my heart for the last decade or so has softened into something that might resemble a real heart.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you;  I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."  Ezekiel 36:26

God, what do you want from me?

Here are the other two passages:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."    Philippians 4:6-7

This promise of peace is what brought me back to God in the first place.  I've been anxious my whole life.  I've been responsible, planned my future, took control and made my way in the world.  Starting from nothing, I've done pretty well, considering.

However, I'm still anxious.  I still worry that my income might not cover my expenses.  Owning my own business, there is no such thing as a sure paycheck, but isn't that the fear of every other person, right now too?  I would like nothing better than to give that over to Someone Else to manage.  It's just not in my nature.  I'm a survivor.  Survivors don't hand over control of their life to anyone.  It's hard enough to trust people you know and love, much less trust Someone invisible, and possibly make-believe.

I want to believe.  There's got to be more out there than me, and this one short life.  More than that, though, I just want peace... and love... and community.  Those three things point me to God.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

God wants peace for me, He wants to offer me a future, and hope.  Hope is not something I believe in.  Hope = disappointment.  I'd rather not hope, then I'm always pleasantly surprised.  But the catch is, "all your heart".

I grew up believing in God the Punisher.  Whatever I admitted to loving was always taken from me.  I don't know if this was God, or just my mother.  However, I have an innate fear of getting too attached, of expressing too much love, for fear that what I love will disappear.  So every day I struggle with letting go, surrender, letting God lead.  By the end of the day I have taken back control and am frantically running around trying to make everything work.  It feels like I'm handing over the reins, but still holding on to the very tips "just in case".

Surrender is a hard thing.  How do I know that by surrendering, I'm not just drifting with the tide and letting thing happen TO me?

God, what's true?

I was raised in a really strict religion.  Seventh-Day Adventists believe all of the bible except the part where Jesus said he came to fulfill the law, and the part that says what God has cleansed we should not call unclean.  Well, I think they partially agree with that last statement, just not when it comes to the Levitical law on food.

Returning to the church, I decided to go the non-denominational route so as not to get caught up in doctrine and dogma.  These churches are more liberal.  They are all about grace, and believing that Jesus fulfilled the old law and gave a new, simpler law.  The new law is to love God first and completely, and then love everyone else like you love yourself.

So, worshipping God is not about rules, it's about love.

I have to say, I've learned a lot about love in the last few years.  My heart has softened somewhat from the cold lump of rock it was.  I also have to admit to having a long way to go.

But if that was all there was to it, wouldn't the bible be much, much shorter?

I read a passage this morning in Hebrews that seems to imply that we should still be honoring the Sabbath.  There is also a lot of talk in the gospels about Jesus trying to lighten up the restrictions of the Sabbath and restore the spirit of the day.  So which is it?  Are the 10 commandments old news?  Or are they still law?  Oh!  Maybe they've been converted to "guidelines".

These questions, and many more, plague me with doubt.  James says that if you want to know, ask God... but then gives a tongue-lashing to anyone who doubts.

"Answer me speedily, O Lord; my spirit fails!  Cause me to hear your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust;  cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You.  Teach me to do Your will, for you are my God."  Psalm 143:7-10

This is what prompted this rambling.  This passage and a couple of others.  It seems like I'm asking, but either I'm not listening, or He's not answering.

I'll write about the other troubling ones next.

Anne Rice's Memoir

I just finished reading Anne Rice's memoir Called Out of Darkness.  I was interested in reading it primarily because I love her writings; all of them.  I wanted to see how she justified leaving her vampires behind to write about Jesus.  Or at least, how she reconciled her past with her change of heart.

It took me a while to slog through the first half of the book as she recalls her childhood and the beauty of the Catholic church of her youth.  It got interesting when she began to talk about losing her faith, and finally became intriguing as she talked about her writings and her eventual return to God.

Anne Rice left God behind for a lot of the same reasons I did.  It is difficult to reconcile the inclusive nature of "God Is Love" with the constrictive and exclusive Church and its doctrine.  It is also difficult to maintain a belief in God when that belief is wrapped up in the church and experiences of childhood.

Returning to God is even harder.  Returning requires admitting you needed the very thing you left behind.  Returning requires faith in something you can neither see nor prove.  Returning requires surrender.

In retrospect I can see that it was important for her to describe the beauty she saw in the Catholic church and its rituals and the effect they had on her, in order to explain her yearning for that beauty apart from the church.  I can understand the draw of nostalgia.  I can understand revisiting and reliving the happy moments of childhood, and being drawn back to that which made it happy.

Still, the most interesting part of the book was her explanation of her writings.  Although she identifies herself briefly as a pornographer for her erotic writings, she talks about her vampires as an expression of her confusion as she identifies with a world without gender or soul, as she reconciles her guilt and longing with the beauty in the world.  She makes no apology for these books.

I enjoyed her fictional stories about Jesus, but I loved Lestat.  I loved his struggle with making the most of the life he was given.  I would have hated to hear that she regretted this character.  I understand her explanation of leaving the vampires behind, since she is no longer struggling with the same issues.  I understand her new focus as an expression of what she can do now, with her new passion for Christ.

Most of all, I respect her suggestion that Christianity be about love; loving everyone equally, without judgement or the need to evangelize.  I believe in an inclusive, loving God.  I find it hard to affiliate myself with a church for fear that I will be associated with that same feeling of being part of an exclusive club only the self-righteous can join.  She has reconciled herself to not giving up on church, but rather to educating herself on what she believes and how she chooses to live those beliefs.  I respect that too.  

Most of all, I love that she believes that Love transcends gender or sexuality.  I love that she correlates the bickering between Christian groups with the bickering between Jewish sects of Jesus' time.  

All in all, reading the book was worth the time.  It has given me ideas on how to reconcile my own malcontent with religion.