God, a realization

As you can tell from previous posts, I've lately been wrestling with the concept of God.  Is he real, or am I deluding myself?  I've considered myself to be a "believer" for almost four years now, but I constantly struggle with doubt.  I have so many questions that remain unanswered, which seem to erode any confidence or faith that builds up in me.

Tonight I voiced this doubt to my bible study group.  To be honest, it is more of a community group than a bible study group, but we've been meeting for almost three years now.  Through the discussion in this group of unique women, I've come to a realization:  I've been waiting for God to show himself to me in some spectacular way, when in fact, I haven't noticed the little things he's been doing all along.

I think it's easy for me to miss, or forget, the incremental changes that happen in my life.  Life is busy, and crowded with thousands of little details that consume my days.  But over the last year and a half I have changed.  I've softened considerably, and can even admit to showing and receiving love to family and friends around me.  I don't think that would have been true two years ago.  The only difference in my life that can account for this change is that during this time I've read the bible.  The entire thing.

I'm not saying that reading the bible is, of itself, the reason for the change, but through the reading I've gotten to know God a little bit.  I think most people would consider reading the bible a form of torture, but it's really an exciting book.  It's full of plot and intrigue, sex and murder, war and slavery.  

There are plots in here that even Hollywood couldn't beat.

But the interesting thing is that in the midst of all of these stories is God.  And each story tells a little more about his character.

I think getting to know his character has changed mine.  Slightly.  I can't say that I've been overwhelmed with the spirit and have an open telephone line to God, but I can say that the rock that has been my heart for the last decade or so has softened into something that might resemble a real heart.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you;  I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."  Ezekiel 36:26