God, what do you want from me?

Here are the other two passages:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."    Philippians 4:6-7

This promise of peace is what brought me back to God in the first place.  I've been anxious my whole life.  I've been responsible, planned my future, took control and made my way in the world.  Starting from nothing, I've done pretty well, considering.

However, I'm still anxious.  I still worry that my income might not cover my expenses.  Owning my own business, there is no such thing as a sure paycheck, but isn't that the fear of every other person, right now too?  I would like nothing better than to give that over to Someone Else to manage.  It's just not in my nature.  I'm a survivor.  Survivors don't hand over control of their life to anyone.  It's hard enough to trust people you know and love, much less trust Someone invisible, and possibly make-believe.

I want to believe.  There's got to be more out there than me, and this one short life.  More than that, though, I just want peace... and love... and community.  Those three things point me to God.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

God wants peace for me, He wants to offer me a future, and hope.  Hope is not something I believe in.  Hope = disappointment.  I'd rather not hope, then I'm always pleasantly surprised.  But the catch is, "all your heart".

I grew up believing in God the Punisher.  Whatever I admitted to loving was always taken from me.  I don't know if this was God, or just my mother.  However, I have an innate fear of getting too attached, of expressing too much love, for fear that what I love will disappear.  So every day I struggle with letting go, surrender, letting God lead.  By the end of the day I have taken back control and am frantically running around trying to make everything work.  It feels like I'm handing over the reins, but still holding on to the very tips "just in case".

Surrender is a hard thing.  How do I know that by surrendering, I'm not just drifting with the tide and letting thing happen TO me?