God, a realization

As you can tell from previous posts, I've lately been wrestling with the concept of God.  Is he real, or am I deluding myself?  I've considered myself to be a "believer" for almost four years now, but I constantly struggle with doubt.  I have so many questions that remain unanswered, which seem to erode any confidence or faith that builds up in me.

Tonight I voiced this doubt to my bible study group.  To be honest, it is more of a community group than a bible study group, but we've been meeting for almost three years now.  Through the discussion in this group of unique women, I've come to a realization:  I've been waiting for God to show himself to me in some spectacular way, when in fact, I haven't noticed the little things he's been doing all along.

I think it's easy for me to miss, or forget, the incremental changes that happen in my life.  Life is busy, and crowded with thousands of little details that consume my days.  But over the last year and a half I have changed.  I've softened considerably, and can even admit to showing and receiving love to family and friends around me.  I don't think that would have been true two years ago.  The only difference in my life that can account for this change is that during this time I've read the bible.  The entire thing.

I'm not saying that reading the bible is, of itself, the reason for the change, but through the reading I've gotten to know God a little bit.  I think most people would consider reading the bible a form of torture, but it's really an exciting book.  It's full of plot and intrigue, sex and murder, war and slavery.  

There are plots in here that even Hollywood couldn't beat.

But the interesting thing is that in the midst of all of these stories is God.  And each story tells a little more about his character.

I think getting to know his character has changed mine.  Slightly.  I can't say that I've been overwhelmed with the spirit and have an open telephone line to God, but I can say that the rock that has been my heart for the last decade or so has softened into something that might resemble a real heart.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you;  I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."  Ezekiel 36:26

Living Every Day...

...as if you mean it.

I read several blog posts yesterday about the new year, resolutions, and what to do with the rest of your life, blah, blah, blah, but one of them actually said something that struck me.  I may not do him justice, but the author (Dr. Boyce Watkins) said that every day we should be moving forward.  We should be striving to better ourselves in some way, even if that is just a small thing.  His exact words were "We are all becoming something, and it is our day to day actions that determine what that thing is."  In other words, what we do every day reflects where we want to be.  If I have a goal, shouldn't I be working toward that goal, even if it is only a tiny step, every day?

Another blogger mentioned CANI (Constant And Never-ending Improvement).  I've never heard this phrase before, but it is definitely a philosophy I subscribe to, primarily because I have a never-ending thirst for knowledge.  I can't say that everything I dive into is an improvement, but I do love to learn.  At the end of the day, learning something new gives my day value, even if the knowledge serves no discernible purpose.

I'm a long way from making every day count, or living each day purposefully, but I am trying to get there.  I yearn for a time when I can recognize something meaningful or valuable in every single day.  Until then, I'll keep moving forward.

What about you?  Do you have a goal you are working toward?  Is it obvious to you in your daily life?  It doesn't have to be obvious to everyone, in my opinion, as long as you know you are moving forward.

In Dr. Boyce's words:  "Ask yourself honestly:  based on my day to day actions, what am I becoming?  Are my words in line with my activities, or am I lying to myself?"

Puppies

I have a visiting puppy at my house today.  As a favor to one of my daycare moms I agreed to watch her kids AND her new puppy so she could do some shopping on her day off.

I'd forgotten how much I loved having a dog in the house.  It's been several years since I put my dog down, and I've never really missed her.  I was sad, I loved her more than anyone, but I didn't MISS her.  The day I put her down was horrible, and I still remember how heartbreaking it was to be doing that all by myself, however this happened during a time when I was still several layers into a really deep depression.  The reality of it was pretty removed from where I was.

Since then, I've just avoided contact with dogs.  It is almost distasteful to be around one.  I have a busy life, and having a dog can be inconvenient and expensive, but I used to be a true dog-lover, and I am quite the opposite now.

Until today.  Having this puppy, who doesn't even know me, following me around all day, sleeping at my feet, and just being an all around sweet little thing, made me realize how much I miss having a dog.  I'm practical enough to know I can't fit a dog into my life right now.  Neither my space, my schedule, nor my husband would make having a dog easy.  But it makes me happy to know I might be softening some.  There's hope for this cold heart!

New Year

Here's to a happy, positive, new year!

I am wishing everyone a year of good thoughts.  I believe in the law of attraction, and am sending out positive signals in order to attract positivity to myself.  We'll see how it goes!  I've noticed that it is much easier to focus on negative subjects than positive, and I've been decidedly lacking in writing materials since I decided to change my attitude.  Please bear with me as I sort through this change of heart!

Yesterday I did take my son on his promised visit to the snow.  My husband came along to get a break from his depressing lack of motivation to work.  He figured a day away might improve his outlook.  I'm not sure how well it worked, but it was nice to have him drive the whole way!

We didn't find the place I was hoping to visit, but we did find a spot where we could park, play in the snow, build a snowman, and do a little sledding.  All in all, it was a good way to spend a day off.

How about you?  Any interesting New Years stories?  

Reading

Against my better judgement I started reading a novel last night while I took a bath.  I am in the middle of another "how to" book, and that didn't fit the bill for this occasion.  There's just something about reading a self-help book that does not lend to a relaxing bath.

This novel is the second of a trilogy that I bought from a local author at an art fair.  It is obvious that the author has limited skills in storytelling and writing, however, I've read my share of books by less-than-stellar authors.  My problem with this series is the main character.

The story takes place in early 20th century England.  What I know of this period of English history (which isn't much) is that it wasn't a great time to be in the lower, working classes, and it especially wasn't a great time for working women.  

So, the main character in this book is a working class woman, which isn't so bad, but she's a MEEK working class woman.  She routinely lets the men in her life railroad her into doing and being something she doesn't want.  She looks with envy at every woman around her, including her sister.  Now this may be an accurate portrayal of what women were like during this time, but there is a reason why the best stories from that period were about strong women who bucked the system, against all odds.  There's a reason Little Women was about Jo, and not one of her younger sisters.  No one wants to hear about the daily life of an ordinary person.  How is that interesting?  We all live that every day!

Characters should be someone who we can relate to, yet that can still leave us inspired to be more, or do more, or accomplish more.  Characters should have character!  Am I wrong here?