Speeding Ticket

I got another speeding ticket today.  This is my third in two years.  I guess my luck has run out.  I don't know how I went for 20 years without one, and now I get three in such a short time.  My insurance carrier is going to have a conniption.  Or maybe that will just be me when I get the next insurance bill.

How is it that I never get off once I've been pulled over?  What do these people do that get off with a warning?  I obviously need lessons.

I guess it's time for me to slow down and drive like an old lady.  It sure is going to take the fun out of driving!

Christmas Sadness

It's the seventh of December, and for the first time this year I listened to Christmas music in my car.  It was an accident.  I was switching through channels and landed on one that was all Christmas.  There once was a time when I could barely wait for Thanksgiving to be over so I could start playing my Christmas music.  I loved Christmas music.

Every year Christmas gets harder and harder.  I just don't have the energy to be jolly.  Just thinking of the work involved in decorating, and then taking down the decorations, makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there until spring.

But I feel bad for my son.  I know I am shortchanging him yet again.  This year, he decorated the tree and the house, pretty much on his own.  I put on Christmas music for him while he did the work, because he asked for it.  My husband and I put the lights on the house because that seemed important to him, and I denied him that last year.

My husband's interest in Christmas seems to be limited to the giving and receiving of gifts, so it doesn't seem worth my time and energy to get excited about the season.  I know I should for my son.  I know I should...

Every year the joy of Christmas dims just a little more.  After last year, I hoped to avoid it altogether this year by booking a trip to Disneyland for Christmas.  If I can't get excited about Christmas in Disneyland, I really am hopeless.

Hearing the music today, I felt so sad for my son.  He definitely deserves better.

The Lovely Bones

There is a scene in The Lovely Bones (the book, I didn't see the movie) where the dead girl watches her mother make out with the homicide detective assigned to her case.  The dead girl had been the oldest and was 12 when she was murdered.  Watching her mother she realizes something that she had vaguely felt when she was living; that being a mother was a mask her mother put on when the first child woke up in the morning.

She knew her mother had been keeping time until the kids where grown and she could start her own life.  When her mother unexpectedly got pregnant again when the girls were half grown, it was like getting punched in the stomach.  She watched her mother deflate, and resign herself to THIS life.

About a year after her daughter's murder, tired of being the "dead girl's" mother, she ran away and started a new life, an anonymous life, somewhere else where she only had to take care of herself.  Where she was just Ruth, and not Carl's wife, or Laura's mother.  (All those names are made up because I can't remember the names in the book!)

I know there are plenty of people who would condemn her for that.  Who would think it was utterly selfish and she had no right to leave her family like that.

But I wonder how many women have watched their lives slip away like water while they are being a mother because it was expected of them.  It was just what you do because you're a woman, and your life can't be complete without it.  I wonder how many women wish they could run away, but are duty-bound to be the mom, the wife, the caretaker.  I wonder how many women strain against the routine of getting them up, getting them dressed, making their breakfast, making their lunch, getting them to school, cleaning the house, doing the grocery shopping, picking them up from school, making their snack, helping with homework, making dinner, getting them bathed, reading the bedtime story, putting them to bed, cleaning up from dinner, falling into bed.  Rinse and repeat.  Who dare not complain, or speak her dreams aloud for fear of being thought of as a bad mom, or ungrateful.

Granted, this book was set 40 years ago, and there are hopefully fewer instances now.  Although for some, I'm sure there is most of that squeezed around a full-time job.

And yes, I know there are many women who are fulfilled by motherhood, that WOULDN'T be complete without that experience. Who have waited all their lives for that moment of giving birth to that helpless little being who depends completely on her and is hers to shape and love.  Those women have the special gift of sacrifice that comes with devoting their life to the nurturing of little ones.  These are special and necessary, and god bless them.

I'm not talking about them.

I'm just wondering how prevalent the feeling is.  I was surprised to see it in the book.  I was surprised that anyone would admit those feelings exist, even in a fiction novel.

Mother

I quit my mother a long time ago.  I was already an adult, so it wasn't anything traumatic.  Although, had I been able to as a child, I would have.

I quit her because I didn't like the person she was.  She was manipulative, mean, deceptive, and a hypocrite.  Instead of taking responsibility for her life and the choices she made, she cried about it and blamed everyone else for the way her life turned out.

I know that hypocrisy seems to be an acceptable evil, but it isn't for me.  I can't think of anything more infuriating and appalling than witnessing a person that acts completely contrary to their nature when in public.  The constant lie gets old.  Maybe that's where my intolerance of lies comes from.  Who knows.

I quit her because I have no need of people like that in my life.

It's been 21 years since I've spoken to my mother.  I don't miss her at all.  I miss having a mother, but I don't miss the one I was given.  Many times I've hoped and wished for parents that I could inherit as an adult that would fill that role for me.  I came close in my last relationship.

However, it seems that now I am faced with the same situation again.  I am having difficulty with alienating this person completely, for fear of hurting my family, but I can't lie, and I can't justify making an exception for this person that I would never make for my own mother.

They are the same in many ways, and I am having difficulty accepting that.  When I quit my mother I thought I was done dealing with dishonesty.  I can only hope I make the right choice for my son.  He is the only reason I am struggling with this at all.

Summer Camp

Yesterday we picked our son up from summer camp.

I'd been thinking about sending him to summer camp since last summer.  This winter, I finally did the research to find one, and found two that I really liked.  The first was north of us, near Redding, and had a minimum stay of 2 weeks.  With a minimum age of eight.  He would turn 8 at the beginning of the summer, so technically he would qualify, but I wondered if two weeks would be too long.

I talked to him about it, and asked if he'd be interested in going to camp, explaining the kinds of things that he would do there.  He was excited about the idea.  I asked him if he could handle two weeks, and he thought he could.  However, when I presented the idea to my husband, he was definitely not ok with a two week stay at this age!  So I went back to the internet and found the second camp that I liked.

This one was much closer (up near Lake Tahoe), and had one-week sessions.  We ordered the dvd, and I checked out the website.  My son was super excited.  I told him he would have to forego his birthday party (every other year I allow him to have a party in a rented facility, but that can be expensive), and ask his family members to please contribute to the cost of camp rather than giving him any gifts.  All very large sacrifices, I thought, for a 7-year-old to consider.

He happily agreed, but I wondered if it would last when his birthday actually came around.  His birthday is the beginning of July, and camp wasn't until the second week of August, so I was worried that when the actual birthdate came around, he'd forget the deal and want gifts too.

I told him that he could invite friends over to swim with him to celebrate his birthday, and he was completely satisfied with that.  I was careful NOT to call it a pool party, just inviting his friends informally, without written invitations, explaining to the guests that it was an informal get-together, and that he wasn't actually having a party because he chose to use that money for camp.

He had a great time, was grateful for the gifts that he got from his friends, and didn't regret his decision at all.  I was very proud of him.

Finally, camp week approached.  We needed to drop him off Sunday afternoon, and by Friday he was starting to get nervous.  I'm not sure how much of that was from reading his dad's nervousness, though.

We drove in and parked, and between the car and the registration table, his dad asked him if he was nervous at least a couple times!  We got him checked in, met his counselor, and checked out his cabin.  He selected a bunk, made the bed, and found a spot for his suitcase.  Then we went out to check out the cool things they had near the cabin; basketball court, ping-pong tables, foosball tables, etc.

He met his bunkmate, and started off with him to explore, so we said our goodbyes and left.

All the drive home my husband was worried about him.  Which started me wondering if he was going to be ok.  Even though I know he's incredibly capable of making friends and having fun in the moment, I was worried about him getting scared.  I didn't let him take his security blanket with him.  I didn't want him to be laughed at by the other kids.

I didn't hear anything from them all week, so I hoped he was having a good time.  We picked him up yesterday morning, and he was grinning and filthy!  Both good signs!  His first words were "I want to come back next year!"

He apparently made a good impression on the counselors, because a couple of counselors at the checkout table had nothing but great things to say about him.  We got him to describe some of the things he got to do, even though he's never been great at retelling his experiences.

The only downer was that I didn't trust him with the knowledge that I had left money for him at the camp store.  I instructed his counselor to let him know if there was anything he needed he could get it, but I didn't want him to think it was a free-for-all at the store.  In hindsight, I'm surprised at myself.  I've always trusted him fully with his choices, and let the natural consequences speak for themselves if he chose badly.  I don't know why I withheld that information from him.  His counselor failed to let him know, and as a consequence, he didn't know he could buy new batteries for his flashlight.  He had a few bad nights of being scared of the dark (after he kindly gave his replacement batteries to another boy who needed them).  The realization that it could have been different brought him instantly to tears, and it took a while to calm him down.

However, he's already talking about next time, so I guess he had a great time!  In true Avery fashion, he is already considering whether he wants to forego another birthday party to go to camp, or wait an extra year so he can have the Chuck-E-Cheese party he's been thinking about all year!  I guess I'm doing something right!

Exercise

Last summer I wrote about the personal trainer friend I had that came and worked with me 2-3 times per week.  I think I was pretty optimistic about losing weight, getting in shape, and feeling good.

I have to admit that in hindsight, he was pretty successful.  I could see a difference in my muscle tone, although not a lot of difference on the scale or in my fat content.  Overall, I felt better.  Although every day he was scheduled to come I would try to find an excuse to cancel.  I never did get used to it, nor did I ever get to a point where I enjoyed it, although I've heard that that utopia exists for some.

This winter I've gained even more weight.  My obsession with what I can and can't eat seems to be a contributing factor, but it is also a function of depression and lack of focus.

I've been doing the tae kwon do for a year now (can you believe it's been that long!), and although I've noticed muscles moving around, it doesn't seem to have helped with weight loss.  I don't think I've given it the amount of force and time to really work.

So I signed up for an exercise boot camp for the month of July.  I'm scared to death, but I'm determined to do whatever I need to to lose these extra pounds.  I want to feel good, have more energy, and be less depressed.  I know exercise is a key to all of those, so I'm going to see how it goes.  I know it's going to kick my ass, and I don't intend to let go of the tae kwon do, either.  I'm not sure how I'm going to manage it all, but hopefully by the end of July I will look and feel amazing!  We'll see!

The Tooth Fairy

My son lost his fifth tooth on Sunday.  He's almost eight, so he got a late start with losing teeth, but for all of that, he has sure given the tooth fairy the run around.

The first tooth he lost by punching himself in the mouth at Tae Kwon Do, and swallowed it.  His grandma helped him write a note to the tooth fairy explaining why his tooth wasn't actually under his pillow.

The second he lost easily enough, but then wanted to take it to school for show and tell, so after placing it in a baggie, misplacing it for some days, finding it, misplacing it again, finding it, then taking it to school, it finally found it's way under his pillow weeks later.

The third he lost, as in, it fell out but he couldn't find it.  I don't know that he even noticed it coming out.  He works hard at avoiding any pain or unpleasantness, so he has a habit of waiting until the tooth falls out completely on its own.  He didn't even bother with the tooth fairy.  I don't think he remembered.

The fourth came out, and was immediately put under the pillow.

This one...  it had been a long time since his last tooth.  It was loose for months.  I think he finally got tired of working around it when he ate, so he finally pulled it out on Sunday night.  He very excitedly put it under his pillow.

However, the tooth fairy was a little out of practice, and completely forgot to stop by.  Neither did she realize it until he made a comment the next day about her not having come.  Oops.

The following night... same story.  After the second night, he was pretty confused and disappointed that she hadn't come.  But ever the optimist, on the third night he said "I hope she comes tonight!"  Just to make sure I didn't forget this time, I slipped it out from under his pillow while singing him to sleep.  While I was waiting to make sure he was fully asleep before slipping it back in, he walked out of his room "looking for his flashlight."  I asked him why.  He needed it to look under his pillow!  He was sure he'd put the tooth there...

As smoothly as possible, I palmed the tooth pillow and pretended to search under his bed.  I placed it in a slightly hidden place, and asked him to turn on the light.  He then joined me and "found" it.  I told him to put it back under his pillow and go to bed.

Within a minute he came back out.  Apparently, she'd already come and there was extra money inside!  He showed me that there was an extra $.50, along with a note from the tooth fairy that said "Because I was late, + .50."

After a minute's hesitation, he asked if he could write her a note.  Sure.  He asked me to write it for him.  He wanted to say, "it's ok.  You can keep it."  He didn't want her to feel bad about being late on the delivery!  He put the extra .50 back in with the note, and then prayed to God to send her back.  He explained to me that she wouldn't know to come back, because there was no tooth, but he hoped God could get the message to her.

I think it might take a few days for her to get the message...

Food

I've been exploring the idea of understanding my body and what makes it feel badly.  Last year I paid a lot of money to go to a holistic naturopath.  First he did a preliminary body test to check sensitivities, weight, fat %, etc.  Then he sent me home with a hormone saliva test, and a strict diet of fruits, vegetables, and nuts, along with a cleansing drink to use three times per day.

Prior to this, my diet consisted of proteins (mostly meat), grains (mostly breads), potatoes, and some fruit.  Oh..  and Diet Pepsi.  That's it.  The diet part was going to be rough.  None of those things (except maybe some potatoes and some fruit), no soda, no milk, juice, or any other palatable drink.  Strictly water, and this nasty cleansing drink.

But, like I said, I had paid a lot of money, so for 3 months, I did as instructed.  I felt completely weak and without energy after 6 weeks, so I added eggs and a small amount of meat to the diet as a source of protein.

I felt really good.  I don't think I noticed it right off the bat, but eventually I did.  Especially after I completed the 3 months and decided that as healthy as that probably was for my body, I could not live like that long-term.  So, I started adding things in, one at a time.

I realized almost immediately that sugar was the source of my migraines.  It wasn't until I had a chocolate chip cookie, and had a migraine within 5 minutes that I realized that I hadn't had a single migraine the whole time I had been on the diet.  Prior to that, I had been getting them pretty regularly, at least 3-4 times per week.

I did the same thing for other foods, little by little.  I realized I am probably lactose intolerant, because milk gives me terrible gas.  I think I'm also gluten intolerant because any amount of bread makes me feel bloated, and gives me abdominal pain.

I haven't done any actual tests, although I have found a website that will test for all of those things, along with some others.  I think I eventually will, when I can justify the cost.  However, even still, knowing what I know, I try to avoid those food types.

But...  no dairy, no sugar, no gluten??  What else is there?  What am I supposed to eat!?!

And with that, I find it very hard to stick with it.  How does one go forever without eating a cheeseburger?  And let me tell you, a cheeseburger isn't a cheeseburger without the bun!  And besides that, now that I'm constantly thinking of food, what I can and cannot eat, I can't stop eating.  Even if it isn't something I shouldn't be eating, the fact that I'm eating constantly is making me gain weight at a considerable rate.  None of my clothes fit.

So I have to figure out how to come to terms with this, and come up with food choices that I LIKE, or just accept the fact that I will always feel yucky.  Before going on the diet I didn't realize there was any other way to feel, so maybe it's not so bad!

To Be Fulfilled

"I am fulfilled by my own life on an hourly basis."

That was a quote by Julia Roberts in a magazine article.

I'm not much of a follower of the life and times of movie stars.  Honestly, I could care less about movie stars, or musicians, or any other "famous" people.  I can't fathom spending the time to follow someone else's life when it's hard enough to keep up with my own.

Well, I take that back.  I love to follow the lives of friends and family, and some of the other people whose blogs I read, or try to read, when I have time.  I do love seeing what life is like for other "regular" people.

But the quote struck me.  That is my goal.  To be fulfilled by my own life, every hour of every day.  To find the employment opportunity that will perfectly suit my skills and preferences, that will take advantage of the winding path of education and experience I've traveled, and bring it all together into a useful whole.  Is it possible?  I will continue to search until I have found it.  Even if only for a short time, I want to know what it is I was designed to do, and know the joy of doing that.

I know work isn't everything.  However, since it fills over 50% of my waking minutes (and sometimes feels like a whole lot more), I think satisfaction in my job does influence overall satisfaction with life.

I am not complaining about my life (although it sounds like it most of the time).  I am surrounded by friends and family who love me and care about my well-being enough to listen to me whine.  I have a beautiful home in a beautiful country, state, city, climate.  We are both employed, which is a blessing all by itself.

Life has a way of forcing a person down paths they may not have chosen for themselves.  Family, economics, opportunity, politics, all play a part in the life you live.  Some few have a passion that is always burning, reorienting them toward the dream that will fulfill their desires.  Some find it an easy path to follow, others overcome incredible odds to achieve their goal and live their dream.

Others, like me, have a yearning for fulfillment that doesn't come with a passion, that doesn't have a clear direction. We have a need to be useful, to make the most of the talents or skills we possess, but without the specific interest that points us to our field.  We follow the opportunities we see, hoping to recognize the right one when we see it.

Still others will do whatever needs doing to get by.  They are happy in whatever job they hold as long as it is honest work, and can support their family.  These are happy staying in the same job for 20+ years, sometimes working their way up the ladder within the company, until they can retire and enjoy the fruits of their relentless labor.

All of these are important.  All serve a purpose.  All can be fulfilling.  I just need to find the right door for me to push through.  I am confident that given enough time, I will.  One day, one of my life experiments will be the right one!

Graduation Party!

I had such a great weekend.

Friday evening was my graduation.  I know many people don't actually participate in the ceremony because it doesn't mean anything, the actual degree is the paper that says you completed all the coursework.  But for me, the ceremony IS the defining moment.  It's like a wedding.  You can get married without that, it is the piece of paper that says you're married, but it's the wedding that you remember as the starting point.  No matter how long you were together before that date.

Walking across that stage (or in this case, in front of it) in front of all those people, says "I did it" in my mind.  It was the ultimate achievement.  All that work, all that writing, was just so I could stand in front of the crowd and get that funky thing draped over my neck and down my back.

It meant a lot to me that my sister, her husband, my husband and son, were there to see that happen.  Graduations are boring, but walking in that line, I couldn't stop grinning!  I still can't when I think about it.  It feels good to have finished, even though I have no idea what, if anything, the degree will do for me.

Saturday I had a party to celebrate with all my friends and family.  It was a lot of work to get ready for, and after the garbage disposal thing, I was ready to cancel the whole thing.  My husband talked me out of it, and when a couple of my friends found out about my frustration, they stepped in to help make it happen.  I am so grateful, and the party was a success.  It wouldn't have happened without them.

My husband is good at making me define what needs to be done in writing, then he can help with the items on the list.  My sister came and helped with the shopping, my husband and a friend were there early to clean, and another couple of friends came early to cook.  There is no way it would have all gotten done on my own!  Thank you!!

I was also overwhelmed by the number of people who showed up.  Almost my entire bible study group showed up, even though they all have busy lives and huge families.  All of my long-time clients came, even some who are no longer clients but are still friends, to celebrate with me.  My sister and her husband and mother-in-law.  My husband's family.  Even Jill and Pam, who live an hour and a half away.  I am truly blessed to have so many people that care about me.  Thank you all!!

Garbage Disposal Fiasco

My garbage disposal went out in my main kitchen sink on Monday (did I mention it was a bad day!), and I've been working to replace it.  We had purchased a garbage disposal a while ago for the other sink that had turned out to be too big, so instead of taking it back, we just got a smaller one for that sink and held on to this one, so theoretically, all I needed to do was swap them out.  I started on it Wednesday morning.

Taking the old one out was a challenge.  The directions for removing the disposal were impossible to follow because the builders had installed it in such a way as to make that difficult.  After much frustration, and more than a few think breaks, I finally disassembled the piping all around it, and then jiggled it and yanked on it until it came loose. Whatever works, right?

I got the new sink pieces all put in, and ready to connect to the disposal, but the new disposal was heavy.  Extremely heavy.  So holding it up while trying to cinch the ring on top that holds it up was impossible to do on my own.  I enlisted the help of two 7-year-olds, and stacks of cookbooks to rest it on, but still no luck.  I finally coaxed a visiting friend Wednesday night to hold it for me so I could get it on.  Success!

However, the new disposal was just a bit too wide to use the existing pipe setup.  Which meant that I needed to redesign the plumbing setup to accommodate the new disposal.  That had to wait until yesterday.  A not-so-quick trip to the hardware store to purchase pipes, and I came home with a few that would work.  I had to call home and ask my assistant to text me pictures from under the sink so I could visualize how it was all supposed to go together.  One of the new pipes was an adjustable -- cut to size.  Perfect.

However, apparently NOT with pipe cutters.  That would be too easy.  After twisting and squeezing and scoring and sharpening, I gave up.  A friend suggested a hack saw or hand saw.  I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that.  Thank you, friend.  That worked.  Phew.

Two days into the project, I felt good, for a moment.  The disposal was installed, and the pipes all connected.  Beautiful.  I ran the dishwasher to test the drain, and the thing started pouring water out of the air gap into the sink. Not only that, but it was leaking all down the pipes below as well.

After taking the dishwasher drain pipe off where it connected to the disposal, I saw that it was all clogged, so I cleaned it out and re-installed.  I tested it again, but it still spewed water in all the wrong places.  I decided to disconnect it from the other end, and while yanking and twisting and pulling and yanking to get it off, the disposal fell off.  Ugh.

I had to undo all the piping that I had just put together. I was about ready to chuck the thing at someone, but my husband was working from home, so I asked him to help hold it up while I put it back on.  Only, at some point in the jostling to get it into position, it somehow fell... right onto the hand (mine) that was holding it from the bottom.  Did I mention this thing is heavy?  It crushed my finger under the metal edge around its bottom, and my finger popped open like an over-ripe tomato.  Literally.  It was instantly numb from the crushing, so although I was screaming obscenities, I think it was mostly from frustration because pain doesn't generally bother me.  It took me a moment, after throwing the disposal wrench across the kitchen (which is unlike me, I don't usually throw things) to realize I'm bleeding.  My husband told me to calm down, so I screamed at him, too.


At this point I am pissed off, frustrated, and bleeding... but the necessity of cleaning and bandaging calmed me down.  The kids (yes, I'm swearing at the top of my lungs with a house full of kids, you don't have to tell me that that's bad) are fascinated by my bloody, blackened finger, so they watch as I cleaned and bandaged it. It was an interesting wound, completely purple and numb.  The cut isn't squirting blood like a fingertip cut generally does, but rather the blood is kind of bubbling out of it.  The throbbing didn't commence until sometime later.


I should probably have gone to the hospital and gotten stitches, but I was too pissed off to care.  Today I'm paying for it.  I have had to disinfect and reapply the stitch taping.  Oh well.  It's just a finger...  :-)


But on a lighter note...  I graduate today.  

Tough Day

Yesterday was a tough day.  By the end of the day I was barely holding it together.  I've been sinking slowly into a depression, feeling the water creeping up over my chin, and I suffered a loss yesterday that took me completely by surprise and almost did me in.  I'm keeping my nose above water, barely, but even the smallest wave can feel overwhelming.

To top that off, my son's school called me to schedule an SST (Student Success Team) meeting.  I've been expecting it all year, and was actually surprised that it took so long.  I know that most of his behavior issues stem from not getting enough time and positive attention from his parents, so the meeting was just another reminder of how I'm not doing enough.

I do not have what he needs to help him through this.  I know he's starving for attention from us, but just the thought of giving him one more ounce makes me cringe.  I have many great ideas on how to fix this problem, but no energy to do them.  And when I think about doing these things every day, or every week, I feel like crawling into bed and staying there forever.  I don't think I have anything left to give.

It would be ever so helpful if the sun would come out and stay out.  Why am I freezing in the middle of May?

On the bright side, I did sign a new part-time child yesterday.  On the downside it will require working until 6:00 or 6:30 pm at least once or twice a month.

I am doing better today, though.  I did my 15 minute workout, even though I didn't want to.  My husband got up early to make breakfast for my son as was suggested by the SST, which was nice.  Tonight we'll try another suggestion they made.  I guess we'll see how long that lasts.

It's Been Awhile.

I have not written in quite a while, here or anywhere else.  I don't know what to do with myself; am sitting in kind of a limbo.  I graduate on Friday.  Even though I've been celebrating that fact every day for two months, it still doesn't seem real.  I'm not sure what to do next.

I realize that I have a really hard time just going along to get along.  When things fall into routine and are no longer interesting or challenging, I have a need to change it up.  That has been evident in my entire career.  Not knowing what it is that I'd truly love to do, I find myself constantly looking for the next thing to "try and see."  It appears that every five years or so I not only change jobs, but change careers entirely.

I committed to my bible study group to fully commit myself to the job I have for the next quarter.  Slowly I'm making progress in that direction.  I started by getting up and taking a shower in the morning.  As silly as THAT sounds, it is so much easier to roll out of bed at 7:00 and open my door, then shower at nap-time.  However, in an attempt to treat this like a "real job," I am getting presentable BEFORE I open.  Imagine that!

My second step is to get up even earlier to take 15 minutes to stretch and do a little bit of exercise.  I know you might think that 15 minutes is laughable, and it is, but considering I do next to NO exercise, I've been embarrassingly sore after even 15 minutes!  I am hoping that this small thing will give me more energy for my day, and hopefully make me more inclined to be up and about with the kids instead of watching from my comfy seat while they play.

My final step will be to be more diligent about our daily routine.  I have three activities that should happen during the day that are hit-and-miss.  Usually I attend to at least one, but I really need to get to all three.  I know that part of the reason that they have not been happening with regularity is that while I have so few children, yet must still pay my assistant to be here, I have been taking the time that she is here to retreat into my own space and do other things.  However, if left on her own, I know that she is NOT inclined to do the routine things I feel are important.  If they are to be done, I must do them.

Hopefully, by being more intentional with my daily routine, fewer things will be left on the back burner, and I will feel more accomplished and successful by actually doing the things that I know need to be done.  Hopefully, feeling more accomplished will translate into a better outlook, optimism, and ambition, which will translate to a happier me, and good karma!

Self

I wonder just how far a person is willing to go to be known, truly known, by another. Is it in our genetic makeup to be incomplete without someone else? And if that is the case, do we feel complete, no, can we feel complete, without being fully understood by that person?

When do you reach a point when you believe that another person knows you? There's no way that anyone will know your whole life story. What are the important parts that tell the story of who you are?

Is it possible for someone to figure it out without knowing ANY of your story? How much of who you are is the sum of your experiences, and is it important to know that to decipher the truth?

I don't know why I wonder. I know that the desire to be known is powerful. I wonder if it's possible.

Yesterday...

was a day of birthdays!  And none of them were little people.  (bonus!)

My friend turned 40 yesterday, but because my sister-in-law's surprise birthday party was yesterday evening, I asked my friend if I could make her breakfast.  I really would love to have thrown her a big bash (it's 40!!  that's a big one), but I don't know any of her friends, and it wouldn't have been much of a bash with just us!  Plus, I suck at planning parties, and am MUCH better at cooking for people.

She said yes, so I asked her what her favorite breakfast food was.  She started to go with something easy, but I insisted that she tell me her FAVORITE food.  So she confessed that it was eggs benedict.  EGGS BENEDICT!  was what I was thinking, but what I said was "that's cool, I can make that."  LOL

Since I've never made, but happen to also love, eggs benedict I had to do some research.  I had seen a recipe for a simple hollandaise on my favorite recipe site : www.thepioneerwoman.com, so I searched through her library of recipes to find it again.  A good hollandaise can make or break eggs benedict, and she has wonderful taste in food, so I trusted her recipe.  (Unlike some that I have to "test" before adding to my growing binder of recipes.)

And crazily enough I had just watched a portion of Martha Steward Living (I hate Martha Stewart, just so we're clear), where she was demonstrating how to make eggs benedict!  I didn't see enough to know why she was doing the demonstration (if it was her recipe or someone else's), but she definitely made it look like a breeze!

Anyway, to make this rather long story shorter...  They came out great, along with country potatoes that were NOT as great, she busted out an incredibly expensive, well aged, purchased-in-France bottle of champagne, and it was an amazingly great breakfast.  Happy Birthday Suz!

And then off to a play date for Avery in the middle of the day, and then to get ready for my sister-in-law's party.

Her husband and my father-in-law planned the whole thing, and my f-i-l asked me to be the bartender.  Well, he asked me if I knew anything about being a bartender and I said no, but promptly volunteered for the job because I would LOVE to be a bartender but don't know anything about mixing drinks since my newfound love of alcohol is relatively recent!

But!  I have an iPhone, and apparently....  there's an app for that!  Woohoo!

(And he printed out the recipes for Cosmos and Lemon Drops, so we had those covered.)

So I got busy making sure EVERYONE was drinking, and what kind of bartender would I be if I didn't taste the concoctions I was pushing??  So, needless to say by the end of the evening I was VERY happy and VERY friendly! We completely trashed my f-i-l's house (so sorry!) and I was barely upright and couldn't help clean up, even though the sensible side of my brain was telling the foggy, giggly other side of my brain that I really should!

All in all, it was a fun day!

Respect

Several people have given me words of praise and encouragement lately, and I can't believe what an impact it has had on me.  It's interesting to think that I have had a positive affect on someone else just by being, much less more than one person.  It's also interesting how far a few positive words go.

I wrote a thank you to my academic advisor, who I respect immensely, and told her that it has been an honor to know her.  And it has.  She is brilliant, well-read, well-spoken, and writes beautifully.  She has been incredibly patient with the reading and editing, re-reading and re-editing, re-re-reading, etc. that was required to get my thesis ready to submit.  I was quite impressed with her dedication, attention to detail, and her genuine interest in seeing her students produce a quality product.

She responded by saying she felt the same about me!  Me?  Really?

Then I realized that my idea of success is to be respected by someone I admire.  Does that mean I've made it?  ;-)

Who would you be...?

A friend asked a question in his blog today that has intrigued me. He said who would you be if you had complete freedom to be whoever you wanted to be?

And I wondered, does anyone have that freedom? How much of who you are is shaped by circumstance?

I know kids have a unique personality, so there is that. But life does change you. Hardship, expectations, society, all have a say in who you are.

When first I thought about the question, I thought that probably only the kids of the very rich would have that kind of freedom to be whoever they wanted. But even they have expectations set on them. They are expected to live up to their status, act a specific way, not embarrass their parents. Some choose to rebel, but even that is a function of circumstance.

I know the school of hard knocks changes a person. Adapting to hardship makes a big difference in who you are.

That's what I think, anyway. Do you agree? Who would you be if you had the complete freedom to be whoever you think you wanted to be? Would you be who you are now? Or would you be someone completely different?

Food, Inc.

I just finished watching the documentary, Food, Inc. If you haven't watched it, you should.

It's not enough to be aware of what you're putting into your mouth. That's important. The fact that what you eat may be destroying your body and contributing to the healthcare crisis that everyone seems so concerned about is important.

But what is more important is the fact that our government is doing EVERYTHING THEY CAN to make it as close to impossible as they legally can for you to do anything about it.

The government is in bed with big business. I think the most recent decisions coming out of the Supreme Court have demonstrated that. But this movie illustrated just how insidious this encroachment has become. Many of the heads of the government agencies designed to protect the interests of the consumers are now being run by ex-employees of the very businesses they are supposed to protect us from!

And not the types of employees that understand what it's like to be a average consumer, and might have just enough experience in the industry to want to affect change. These people are the ones that made huge amounts of money from their ex-employers as CEO's or VP's or attorneys. They may still (I'm speculating here) have an interest in keeping those bridges unburned for future reference or employment. Hell, they may even still be making money from those jobs (still speculating, so you don't need to send hate mail).

So how are they supposed to be objective? What incentive do they have to think about you and me, rather than their own bank account?

Did you know that the FDA actually tried to shut down a production plant for consistently producing infected food products, but that company sued the FDA and WON!! There is now legal precedent that states that the FDA does not have the legal authority to shut down a food production facility. I thought that was their JOB!

I'm sorry I'm shouting. This boils my blood like nothing else.

Land of the free... That is the country that we are supposed to be living in. That's what our young men and women are fighting and dying to protect. Would they fight for the right of major corporations to value profit over people?

What happens when you don't get to choose (in this case) the food you put on your table? It's already difficult to know what you're eating. What happens when the choice is taken away? That may sound dramatic, but large corporations have staff dedicated to finding ways of putting competitors out of business. Especially if they know their competitors are small and unable to fight back. Soon there won't be a choice to make. What then?

We can't all be farmers. We can't all be self-sustaining entities. We must depend on others to provide for some parts of our life. I have no problem with those companies, that are providing something for me that I need, to make a profit. I am a capitalist at heart, the kind that believes in the balance of economics. (Wikipedia tells me there are many kinds.)

What I don't agree with is bullying, and the government jumping on the bully band-wagon.

The basis of capitalism as I understand it is for demand to drive supply. Consumers demand what they want by choosing the items to purchase, and the corporations do what they must to meet that demand or die trying. When the corporations get big enough to decide what they want us to buy, and then squeeze out anyone who might offer a different or better option, capitalism dies.

Government was designed to protect the people from oppressors. Who's fighting for us? Where are our representatives?

In case I haven't mentioned it...

...I finished my thesis!

You have no idea how good that feels! I was grinning for a week after getting the entire thing signed off by my academic advisor and the Department of Education. I have an appointment to meet with the Office of Graduate Studies in a week, and once they sign off, that's all she wrote!

I still have work to do on the website itself. The design I paid a website designer to create is crap, and he needs to change it. It's been frustrating working with him, because he knows so little about the business he decided to start. But he's not arguing about the need to change it, and he was cheap, so I'm not complaining (much). I guess you get what you pay for!

I couldn't believe how thick my paper was, once I had printed it. I had never printed the whole thing. I took my son with me when I went to pick it up from the Department of Education. On the way home I told him that I had written the whole thing, and he said "no, you used your computer!" So I said that yes, I had not written it out long-hand, but all the words came out of my head, and he was duly impressed. He kept saying how proud of me he was, and then insisted on showing his grandma and telling her that I wrote that whole thing! It was quite cute.

Anyway, I will be graduating in May, and having a grand party on May 22nd. Everyone I know is invited. I can't believe I'm actually done, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with the degree now that I have it, but whatever! I needed something more to do, right?

Don't Ask, Don't Tell...

I didn't realize that under this law servicemen/women were actually being DISHONORABLY discharged from the military because of sexual preference. This is mind boggling to me.

What does "don't ask, don't tell" mean to you? To me it means "I won't ask because it's none of my business, and you don't have to tell me even if I do." So how are these discharges occurring?

If you read the text of the legislation, barring open sex acts in front of an audience (which no one wants to see happening in the military no matter what your sexual preference), a statement of fact by the accused, or trying to participate in a same-sex marriage, these men and women should not be being discharged. However, since its inception in 1993, there have been over 13,500 discharges.

Like the rest of the U.S. population that doesn't really care about the sex life of the people that are giving their lives to protect this country, I think I just assumed that "don't ask, don't tell" meant just that, and I didn't see why anything needed to be changed. Apparently, my definition appears to be a little too literal.

I'm not talking about the oppressive nature of this law and the fact that having to hide your personal life from every person you ever come in contact with for the length of your service term is grossly unfair. I'm not going into that because I know that's my opinion, and not everyone thinks that fair for one is fair for all. That's a civil rights argument that has been going on for as long as this country has been a country.

I'm talking about a person risking his/her life to serve a country that is willing to fire them at a moment's notice, rescind any benefits that they may have worked for during their service up to that point, and possibly harm their chances for future employment.

That's the part that is unbelievable to me.

And the fact that the very people they are serving don't seem to have an opinion on it. Or maybe, like me, they weren't aware of what was going on. Either way, unbelievable.

Happy Beginnings...

My husband asked me this morning if I was looking forward to a great day today. I looked at him like he was insane or on drugs! Since when was he so chipper at 6:30 in the morning??

He said I should start my day in a positive mood, and I realized that that used to be a given for me, but now it seems absurd. When did I get so cynical and depressed? My life is wonderful. I have so much to be thankful for. I don't think I have ever been in such a good place.

I wonder if being happy is a choice. Can I just decide to look on the bright side, and then feel the effects throughout my day?

If so, here's my bright side. I am within a couple days of completing my thesis! This huge monumental objective of getting my Master's is within sight. I will be graduating in two months. Woohoo!! It's hard to believe I'm SO CLOSE to being done!

My husband and I found a mutually pleasing solution to my co-signing mistake. We still need to sell the cars, but we are on our way to putting that behind us.

My son decided NOT to move out of the house. My husband had a discussion with him, and he understands that chores are just a part of living in a household, and everyone needs to do their part to contribute to the well-being of the family. Phew. He may be only seven, but he's pretty resourceful. He may have figured out a way to make it on his own...

Oh! And I started on the actual cutting and sewing of my bedroom bed cover and window coverings. I think, when it is done, it will be beautiful!

Here's to a bigger, brighter tomorrow.

March 3rd...

is my little sister's birthday. But since I doubt she reads this blog, I'm pretty sure she won't care that this isn't about her. :-)

What it is about is an e-mail I received from Organic Valley. I'm on their mailing list so I can get coupons for milk as often as possible. Since we go through about six gallons of organic milk a week, any little bit helps.

They sent me an e-mail this morning asking for a moment of my time to write the USDA about their plan to approve a genetically engineered alfalfa for commercial use. Today is the last day the USDA will be accepting input on this subject.

This was an excerpt from their e-mail:

You may not think about alfalfa much when you're drinking organic milk, but organic alfalfa is important to organic farming, as a nourishing animal feed that's also a nitrogen-fixing soil enhancer. Once GE alfalfa is introduced, its contamination of non-GE plants - including organic - is all but inevitable. And because alfalfa is fed to dairy cows and other livestock, contamination puts organic dairy and meat at risk, too! Learn more

In their EIS, the USDA states "There is no evidence that consumers care about GE contamination of organic alfalfa." We know that you do care. Let's not be Monsanto's guinea pigs!

Then they included a plea and a link to leave a comment on the USDA website, and then to let them know that I did so.

So, as requested, I left a comment, then followed up with an e-mail to the sender. This is an excerpt from that e-mail:

I doubt the effectiveness of speaking my piece to a government more interested in staying in the good graces of big business than in representing the people, but at least I made an effort.

She replied and told me that the whole organic movement (Organic Rule... I don't know if that means anything) is a result of public interest and demand.

So I'm doing an informal poll. I've never done anything like this before, so I'm not sure what kind of response I'll get, but here goes...

I've become increasingly riled up about the trend of our government, and increasingly convinced that my voice really doesn't make a difference. So, this is my question....

Do you think you have a say? Do you think your vote, or comment, or e-mail, or phone call, or letter makes any difference?

Paralyzed with Fear...

It all started with a commercial....

I saw a commercial to apply to be on the commission to redistrict California. It seemed simple enough! I voted for the redistricting to happen, and now they were opening the process and the decision to anyone who qualified. It seemed like an incredibly interesting and fulfilling thing to do.

So I applied. It turns out that the initial form you fill out is a PRELIMINARY application just to make sure you have no strong ties to either political party. That wasn't a problem. I don't know any politicians, nor have I ever contributed large sums of money to anyone's campaign. Super.

I'm an hispanic woman, which already makes me more diversified than the bulk of the applicants, and they claim to want diversity. Cool.

I "passed" their preliminary requirements and received an e-mail saying I can now complete step two of the application process. I must now write four (4!!) 500-word essays describing my qualifications in specific areas and the experience that I have to back up that assertion. In addition to this, I need three separate letters of recommendation collaborating on those assertions. OMG!

This is where my stomach dropped. I read the job description, and although it was incredibly long and complex that only served to make me want it more. The qualifications that they are looking for fit me to a "T", but I don't think I have any specific job experience that ever actually used any of these skills.

They want someone analytical, good with maps, can assign tasks to a staff, can read through a tremendous amount of legal jargon and technical data and make sense of it, can sort through statistics and make sense of them, can listen to arguments on fact and decide which would better suit the needs of California, and can appreciate the diversity that is California. I think I'm all of those things, but how do I prove that??

Hence the fear. Partly the fear is because I would LOVE to do this, and therefore want it badly. The rest is just the idea of trying to sell myself and my qualifications in a series of essays when I have no actual data to pull from.

I've written a business plan, and a thesis.... 2,000 words shouldn't be that scary, should it?

Mulan & Cinderella

My son decided to watch Mulan this morning. It is one of my favorite Disney movies, and one I can watch over and over, so I sat with him while I ate breakfast this morning.

It struck me, as Mulan is preparing to meet the matchmaker in the movie, what a difference there is in this Chinese "cinderella story" and the European one.

I know, I know... before you jump on me for taking a Disney movie literally, that Disney's movies are LOOSELY based on the traditional stories. I get that.

But even loosely, it's interesting how this Chinese cinderella story is about a young woman that joins the military to fight in place of her father, and becomes famous for coming up with the strategy that ultimately saves China. Whereas, the European cinderella is a scullery maid who gets "discovered" by the prince, and is whisked off to live happily ever after as a princess.

Hmmm...

(Of course, the Disney version of Mulan gets the strong, beautiful man at the end, and therefore enjoys the best of both worlds.)

What strikes me the most about these stories is that China, who is notorious for devaluing women, and even the Disney movie points out that the only way for a woman to bring honor to China is to find a husband and make boy babies, produces this amazing story about a woman that proves her worth as a strong, thinking individual. Yet we, who go on and on about women's rights, and equal this and equal that, still want to believe that to be whisked away by a knight in shining armor, to be spoiled and loved, never to work again is our ultimate fairy tale.

I can understand why young girls might be confused. It seems that we profess one thing, but believe another.

Interesting Conversation

I had an interesting conversation with an Iraqi woman today. On the way to pick up a friend from her doctor's office (to give her a ride home), I passed a Muslim woman walking along one of the back streets of my town.

My hometown is in the foothills. Some of it is flat, but most of it is on an incline, with the highest part of it climbing a pretty steep hill. I was driving along one of the steepest streets when I saw the woman. In addition to being steep, the point where I passed her was a LONG way from anywhere. She was obviously walking from the residential area, but it was at least a half mile to the next largest street, and she was lugging a rolling suitcase and a rather large shoulder bag, dressed completely in the traditional Muslim robe/dress and head covering.

Usually I rationalize every possible reason for a person to be walking and where they might be heading until I'm way too far along to stop even if I did feel like it would be the right thing to do. This time, it took no time at all. A woman dressed like that, carrying that much baggage, had no business walking the distance she would be going just to get to the next store, assuming she was walking to Costco (which seemed highly unlikely).

So I slammed on my brakes, backed up as far as was safe along the curb, and offered the lady a ride. It turned out she was walking to the light rail station which was clear across town.

She was at least 60 years old. She'd been in this country for 10 years, still going through the process of getting her green card. Living with her unmarried daughter, as is culturally correct (from what I gathered), she would take this hike anytime she wanted to go into the nearest city, which is about 30 miles away.

We talked about Iraq, and her view on the war. She voiced frustration that our country leaders (not the people, she stressed) invaded her country and dismantled her country's military. Hussein was a dictator, of course, but the people under him were required to obey for fear of death. Even I had to obey, or I would be killed, she said.

Can you imagine living like that? But the interesting part of the conversation was that she believed that the dismantling of the sitting military is what opened the country up to civil war between the religious factions. I don't understand the ins and outs of the Sunni and Shiite (and I thought she mentioned one other) factions, but she referred to them as militias with no one left to control them.

We didn't have much time, there was a bit of a language barrier, and I'm sure there was much more that I don't remember, but it was interesting to hear her point of view.

One Day...

Rain, Rain, Go Away,

Come again another day.

Is it human nature to deal with discomfort by pushing it off to a later date?

We experience hurt and disappointment and we swallow it, shoving it down deep in the corners, to dust out some other day.

But what happens if the rain never comes? What happens if that "one day" never occurs?

Does our soul shrivel up and die like parched earth?

My Recent Experience with Healthcare

The week before Christmas I think I broke my big toe. I showed up for my Taekwondo class, and no one else did, so my instructor offered to give me private jujitsu lessons. Of course I accepted!

Jujitsu is cool! It's all about getting out of holds and throwing people down. Ok. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but that was what my lesson was about.

However, twice during the class my big toe caught on the mat and rolled under my foot. The second time it happened, I was in the process of throwing my instructor down, and I had lifted him onto my hip. So the combined weight of him and I was too much for my poor toe.

Later that night I felt it. It swelled a little, but really started to hurt. Being stubborn and proud, I didn't listen when my husband urged me to go to the doctor. It's a toe for goodness sakes!! What could they possibly do for me anyway...

I finally conceded and taped the toe flat and straight with a tongue depressor cut in half. I did that for a couple of weeks, but that was REALLY inconvenient! After about four weeks, I was beginning to feel like it had fully healed, and healed well. I went back to Taekwondo.

That was a mistake! I was doing very well, but halfway through the class I kicked the paddle my instructor was telling me to kick, and I felt my toe give. Instantly, I knew that I'd made a mistake!

I went back to limping and taking it easy. I didn't re-tape it, but I was definitely being careful.

A week later, and it's actually feeling worse than it did when I first damaged it. So today I swallowed my pride and went to the doctor. My doctor sent me off for x-rays.

I have health insurance. Thankfully. But I intentionally have a plan with a high deductible, which I pair with an HSA account that we contribute to for small expenses, like prescriptions and office visits. It makes me very conscientious of what we go to the doctor for, or the price we pay for prescriptions. So, knowing I'd be paying for it, I asked for the cost of the x-rays.

This is what she tells me: If I pay cash (had no insurance), the cost would be $170. Since I have insurance, and they have a contract with my insurance company, the cost is $213. I asked her if I could pay cash, and submit the paperwork to my insurance company myself. She said no, because that would be breaking the contract they had with my insurance company.

Seriously?

I know that billing the insurance company costs money. However, I offered to do the paperwork myself. $43. I now have to pay an extra $43 because of a contract between the imaging company and my insurance provider. Could this be why the costs of insurance premiums are so high? And getting higher. This was just a $200 x-ray. What if it had been a $5,000 procedure. Would they tack on an extra 25% to that too? That's $1,250.

Do you have any idea what it costs when you go to the doctor? Or get an x-ray? Or get blood drawn?

Perhaps, if we were more aware of what's going on behind the scenes, we'd be better able to fight for a healthcare plan that would benefit everyone.

EMDR and Therapy

I guess I never posted a follow-up to my EMDR second appointment last Wednesday, so here goes.

The second appointment was, if anything, worse than the first. We went through a series of stupid questions, that the therapist should have known the answer to based on our previous conversations. When I complained, she said she "had to go through her standard form" list of questions.

I think that in a field as subjective as psychology, there should be no such thing as a "standard form." But that's just me. What do I know?

After an hour of questions, followed by pauses to see how that made me "feel," I came to the conclusion that I may have an attachment problem. My fear of abandonment may cause me not to get too attached to anyone. I might find something to read on that subject.

Aside from that, another wasted hour and $90.

But by the end of the day I figured that the EMDR must be doing something. I don't know what it was doing, but I came home and ate for the rest of the day. Obsessively. I couldn't stop. I was stuffed to the point of pain, but still eating. I ate so much I had a stomach-ache for 2 days.

I have to say, if gaining 50# is the price of emotional health, then I'm ok with being messed up!

Healthcare Reform

I heard something on the radio yesterday that really bothered me about our government. Granted, there are many things that bother me about our government, but this is just the epitome of many of those things.

A Republican was elected into one of the Senate seats for Massachusetts. Immediately following the election results, the Democrats went into a huddle to see how this would affect their big plans. None of that is surprising. The Democrats no longer hold a 2/3 majority. (I know there's a term for that, but I can't think of it right now.)

Anyway, the following day the President and the Majority Leader come out moderating their stance on healthcare reform. NOW they are willing to work with the "other side of the aisle" to rally around the points of reform that they can both agree on?

Now? Two days ago they were willing to stuff whatever they wanted down the throats of the American people regardless of what THEY might want... just because they could. But now that that is no longer likely, NOW they are willing to work together on something that everyone can AGREE on? That just boggles my mind. It shouldn't, but it does.

Is this how it went down with the TARP funds? I heard someone (on that same radio station) mention a while back that during that time, the Senate offices were so flooded with e-mail that they actually cut the bandwidth (not sure if that is the correct term), so only minimal number of e-mail could get through. How's that for representation?

I WANT to represent the people I serve, but I want MORE to do this thing... so I'll just turn off the answering machine? Really?

Do you FEEL represented?

Blogging...

I just spent 30 minutes going through some of the blogs that I have bookmarked. It's been a LONG time since I've read any blog that wasn't written by someone I know. Granted, blogs are an easy way to keep up with the lives of distant friends, but the primary reason I started reading blogs was to see what people had to say about specific issues.

I have basically three types of blogs I read: business/career/money/entrepreneurship, frugal/coupon, and personal friend/out-of-the-box pastors.

Ok, I guess that's more complicated than I thought. These are my areas of interest. I like to keep up with the young business world, the people who have new ideas on how to do business, and are young enough to write about it in blog format. These blogs keep me in the loop of corporate america, and what the twenty-somethings are feeling about job prospects. This is a narrow view (consisting only of people able or willing to write), but is still a quick look into the business arena.

More than that, I have a few bookmarked blogs that have great tips on how to save a few dollars. This generally revolves around the food budget, but may include budgeting tips. These include bloggers that make the coupon game easier by matching up coupons with sales at the major market chains, and publishing that information. Or bloggers that give recipe ideas for low cost home-cooked meals.

And even more than that, I enjoy reading up on the few people I know who blog. These are generally snippets of the daily activities of friends that give me a glimpse into their lives. In amongst these are the pastors that blog about being a little left of center when it comes to mainstream religion. Kind of a strange combination, but I like it.

Generally, when I have a few minutes, I catch up on the blogs in the order in which I like them (in other words, from last mentioned to first). So the business blogs rarely make it into my limited timeframe.

I know this is a priority choice, so today I decided to go the other direction. I used the time I had waiting for the kiddies to fall asleep to read some of the business blogs I haven't visited in months.

And you know what? I realized why I started blogging in the first place! I enjoy reading these business perspectives, and they force me to pause and evaluate my own position on ideas that wouldn't otherwise occur to me. Some of them are political commentary, some just state a position on whatever major issue is going on in D.C. Some are money ideas, investment tips, savings ideas, etc. And I realized that that is what I had intended for my blog. To be a means of sorting out my opinions and ideas, and putting them out there to invite comment.

Being in this field, I often feel starved for intelligent conversation. I usually don't realize it until I've had an intelligent conversation with someone about some debatable issue. Then I realize what I miss the most about working in an office filled with other professionals. Somewhere in the building there is likely to be an intelligent person that enjoys debate, and can help define/articulate ideas that otherwise are general or vague impressions.

I think I had the thought that over time, the process of writing would further refine my interests into a specific area of "expertise." However, that has not been the case. If anything, I'm now interested in even MORE diverse topics than I was when I started this.

Either way, it was great to spend just a little bit of time in the blogosphere and remember what I liked about it!

2010 - The Year to Save

I have a savings account at ING Direct. There was a time when that company offered really great interest rates on savings accounts, and that provided the incentive to transfer money back and forth between my bank account and ING Direct. Granted, being a solely web-based institution, they make those kinds of transactions relatively painless. You just have to be aware that it will take days for the transfer and retrieval of that money.

Now, interest rates aren't great. They are still one of the highest in the business for a straight, liquid, savings account, but interest rates are just really tanking right now.

This morning they sent me an interesting e-mail newsletter. They are looking for stories about saving. In exchange for choosing your story, they will be giving out money towards your savings goals.

This got me thinking. Well, to be fair, I've been thinking about this for the last couple of months. Friends around me are losing their jobs or taking pay cuts. My business is slow, and my employee seems grateful just to have her job, regardless of the fact that her hours have been cut dramatically. The climate is changing in this country.

And it made me think about the generation who lived through the Great Depression. That became a generation of savers. Having lived through some of the toughest times this country has seen, they had learned the hard way to keep an "emergency fund", to pay cash for goods, and not to spend frivolously.

We've all seen where the "buy now pay later" mentality has gotten us. I think we might be moving again towards moderation and saving. At least, I hope so.

This year I'm determined to build my emergency fund. I'm also determined to build a month's buffer that will allow me to breathe a little easier when it's time to pay the bills and will hopefully temper that feeling of living paycheck to paycheck. It's not easy, let me tell you. I'm watching every dollar and dime. But I'm hoping that it will be worth it in the long run. That should the worst happen, and we are forced to live on one income, or god-forbid, no income, that we would have time to take the necessary steps to take care of our family.

2010... The year to save.

The Tinman

Since my final semester of school has no actual class meetings, I have rejoined my Monday night bible study/women's group. It is primarily an "authentic community" group, where we can go to be completely honest about everything, and be accountable to each other, in a safe and secure environment.

No matter how much my faith waxes and wains, I've always enjoyed attending. The love I have for these women, and they for me, runs deep. I missed them terribly when I was in school.

The beginning and the end of the meeting consists of checking in/out with a word to describe the emotion you are feeling. With my new problem of a complete lack of emotion, these are now hard questions to answer!

Last Monday, at checkout, someone commented about another woman having a heavy heart, or that it was full to overflowing, and my immediate response in my mind was the lyrics "if I only had a heart....", and I dubbed myself The Tinman when it was time for me to check out.

Last night walking into the meeting, that song played itself over and over in my head. Well, not the entire song, since I can't remember it, but just that phrase. I think it's fitting!

I have another therapy appointment tomorrow morning. The saga continues.

EMDR and Therapy

I had my first appointment with the new therapist on Thursday. I was somewhat more nervous about going to this one than I had been for the original one. I'm not sure why, except maybe that I had had more time to think about it.

New Therapist is marginally closer to me, but works only Mon-Wed, 8-5. Old Therapist did evening appointments, which makes perfect sense to me for a service industry that primarily serves a working population. (I'm assuming, of course, that if someone is not working, they would not be able to afford counseling. That may be a faulty assumption. I'm learning, slowly, that people are generally not very logical.)

New Therapist had made a special appointment on Thursday morning for me, considering the "urgent" nature of my need.

I went in a little early to fill out paperwork (which she had e-mailed to me, and I had completely forgotten to print or fill out), and she had not yet arrived, so I used the time to work on the extensive to-do list I had created on my way to her office. I figured I could at least make some calls that I needed to make.

She came in while I was on the phone with Comcast. I tried to get off the phone, but that kind of conversation needs to be followed through to resolution, so I made her wait. She didn't seem to mind. It wasn't long before I hung up and could go into her office.

We talked briefly about Old Therapist and what had occurred there, and then she spoke briefly about EMDR and what it does. Her explanation was less than complete, as apparently she prefers to have her patients read up on it before coming in. Go figure. She tells me that the machine basically makes you access both sides of your brain while talking/processing whatever it is you are talking about, by the use of headphones that may or may not make a beeping sound in each ear. (I'm not exactly clear on this. Obviously.)

We didn't really get to use the EMDR (according to New Therapist) because this appointment was all about the back story. I spoke to her about my mother, my son, my step-fathers, etc. We kind of wandered all over the place with no rhyme or reason to the direction. She was NOT as adept as Old Therapist at listening and asking questions in order to direct the conversation. In fact I think the 30 minutes I had with Old Therapist were more effective than the 75 minutes (we ran long) with New Therapist. If EMDR is as effective as this lady suggests, Old Therapist should look into it!

There were a couple of things that were red flags for me with New Therapist, besides the fact that she does not lead the conversation with questions. First, she seemed to want to know about irrelevant things. Granted, it is my assumption that they are irrelevant. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things they will be of utmost importance. We'll see. For instance, she asked quite a bit about my son, what he's like, and my parenting style with him. I'm sure that gives her some insight, but I'm completely satisfied with the parent I am, and don't really need her to tell me that I do a better job than my mother did. Duh.

Second, I told her about an incident in my childhood that shaped the relationship I had with my mother for the rest of my life. This incident happened when I was around 5 years old. I told her the story, then moved on to other things. At some point she wanted to go back to this incident, so I complied. She asked me to tell her how it would have "went down" if I (the mother I am today) had been dealing with me (the 5 year old). I was confused. All I could say was "WHAT??". So she asked me to tell her how I think it would have happened had a loving mother been involved in the incident as described.... Are you kidding me??

So I said, "I don't pretend very well".

She was taken aback, but recovered and moved on. But let me tell you, if this is her technique, she's not going to last. I definitely don't need her to explain that my mother was not a good mother. Double Duh.

I will give her a chance. We have another appointment on Wednesday morning. I'm mostly interested in finding out how the EMDR works, and if it works. But if this is her "style" and she can't adapt, then I think I'd much rather take as long as it takes to work through things with Old Therapist without the assistance of the EMDR. However much they both claim that EMDR shortens the process, it is not worth it to me to work with someone dumb. Ok, maybe that's a little harsh. Not dumb, merely inexperienced, inflexible, and by-the-book. I can already tell you I'm not typical.

New Year's Resolutions

A friend asked me on New Year's Day what my resolutions were for this year. I rarely set New Year's resolutions. What is so special about this one day of the year, and why should I wait for it to set my goals or resolutions?

Interestingly, though, I had set some goals in December that work just as well. So when she asked me what those were, I figured they could be my "New Year's" resolutions.

This morning, another friend asked me what my resolutions were for this year. I knew I had just spelled them out over the weekend, but I couldn't remember what they were! So I had the brilliant idea of writing them here. That way, whenever I needed to check on my progress, I'd know exactly where to find my list.

Isn't that what an electronic journal is for? ;-)

So, as discussed on New Year's Day, here is my list of resolutions, and hopeful finish dates:

Finish Chapter 3 of my thesis by January 31. Finish the final section by March 15th.

Cut costs and build a savings buffer of at least one month's income. This is because I took the recommendation of a friend and bought a budgeting software that advocates this, and I agree that it is an excellent idea! This I would like to have accomplished by July 1st.

Finish the decorating of my bedroom by June 26th. (This might be difficult alongside the cutting costs part, but the bulk of the purchasing has been done, and now I just need to do the work.)

Come up with a plan on building my next business by the end of the year. I would like this to be either opening a preschool/childcare center OR real estate investing in rental properties.

I think those are ambitious, but doable. Hopefully having them written for all to see will keep me moving towards accomplishing them!