Parents, Divorce, and Stressed Children

In case I haven't mentioned this, I am a childcare provider.  I work out of my home, and have a full-time assistant.  Working with other people's children is a very sensitive job.  I understand the liability involved in caring for children, and how a parent might worry about what is going on during the day, or how their child is being treated.  We've all heard horror stories about horrible daycares.

No parent will ever believe that anyone else could do as good a job of raising their child as they do.  However, most of us have to work, and as a result, they end up paying someone else to take over that job while they're away.  The trick is to find a provider that is as closely matched to your child-rearing style as possible, and with whom you feel comfortable.

When I interview a potential parent/client, I try to be as up-front and open about my style as possible, in order to eliminate any misunderstandings down the road.  I also try to create a relaxed atmosphere that would make it easy for a parent to come to me if they have a concern, so we can discuss and resolve any issues before they become overwhelming.  Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't.

This week I had a new child start in my program.  This child is two years old, and has never been in a child care setting before this, except for an hour or two at the gym. 

I generally try to warn parents that the first few weeks are tough for a child in this situation, at this age.  They are old enough to understand the lengthy amount of time their parents are away, yet young enough to easily forget that their parents will come back for them.  It takes days, and sometimes weeks, for a child this age to understand that mom or dad will be back to get them, every day.  In the meantime, it is very scary to be dropped off at a stranger's house for what seems like an endless day.  It takes an equal amount of time for the child to feel comfortable, and comforted in this new environment.

However, once the routine is established, and they have gotten to know me, and the other children, they become very secure.  Children crave structure and the security of knowing what to expect.  It doesn't take long for them to accept and adapt to this new routine.

To make the child mentioned above even more unsettled, two weeks before starting, her parents split up.  This is a lot of change in a short period of time.  Understandably, she was upset.  For the entire week she just wanted to be held and comforted.  Each day she cried less, but it was still difficult.  By the end of the week, she was able to quietly sit in my lap and watch the other children play, but had not gotten confident enough to engage in any of the activities.  

Her mother was quite distressed by this.  Her usually bubbly, happy, talkative child had become a distressed, clingy, scared little thing in a matter of a week.  Although I tried to explain that this was to be expected, it was too much and her mother pulled her out of care.

This didn't bother me.  I feel bad for the little girl.  Wherever she goes next, she will have to start the process over.  Each time will get easier for her, but not without cost.  Children adapt.  Given time, she will recover her bubbly self.  I have no doubt of that.  However, if as a parent, you aren't satisfied or comfortable in any way, it is your duty to find a better environment.  I understand that.

However, what bothered me was her parting shot.  The mother called at 3:00 pm to tell me she was pulling her daughter out, and that the dad would be there at 4:30 to pick her up.  She then said "I hope you can take good care of her until he gets there."

I was stunned.  Understand that I have spent the ENTIRE WEEK holding this child, to the exclusion of every other, because that is what she needed, and her mother sounded worried about her safety in the hour and a half remaining in the day.  I honestly don't know what she meant, or what she was implying, but I'm still stunned.  What did she think was going on?

I don't know.  It must have been just as scary for the mother to see this change in her daughter, but I can't help but feel offended by this comment.  What do you think?